"You're very perceptive"
"My son what is it you have learned...make hay while the sun shines"




  • You can always get by "with a little help from your friends" (excuse Beatles pun)
  • Any problem can be solved in 30 minutes- that's including time for music videos, commercials, and "romps"
  • Jokes can get you through the hard times
  • Without question, friends will help you out of a jam
  • One of the best feelings in the world comes when you help someone out
  • Money should not be the only thing people want out of life
  • Girls come and go, but buddies are there for you forever
  • Call your apartment/place "The Pad"
  • Wear identical outfits to a gig
  • Don't bite the hands that unties you
  • Laugh and the world laughs with you
  • You can't teach a old dog new tricks, you can only train elephants
  • Don't be cynical
  • Fight fire with fire
  • Don't get mad get even
  • Always support your friend's endevours
  • Don't give up your ideals
  • Have the same beliefs and and faith even if individuals and the cause change over time
  • Everyone needs a cool car to drive
  • If you want something to stop simply say "Don't do that"
  • The Monkees walk is real groovy
  • The pad's address is 1334 North Beachwood
  • The pad's address is 1438 North Beachwood
  • An immediate course of action is to leave
  • Revive someone who's unconscious with a squirt of water
  • Have fun 'til the music's all gone
  • Throw off the chains that bind and leave the past behind
  • Love is the key that fits a million locks
  • All men must have someone
  • And now I see the life I led I slept it all away in bed I should have learned to swim instead
  • There is only feeling in this world of life and death I sing the praise of never change with every single breath
  • Tomorrow's a new day, baby, anything can happen
  • To be free is the only possession that counts
  • Isn't it time we stopped the tears?
  • It's all a lie
  • Express your feelings honestly
  • Be open and flexible
  • Go with the flow
  • Have courage
  • Be bold
  • Don't chicken out on something
  • It's not good to compare yourselves to others
  • Share
  • Find strength in a weakness
  • If you feel it is right, do it
  • Don't let everybody put you down
  • Believe in love at first sight
  • Spend your life lifting people up, not putting them down
  • Drive a cool car with a sunroof
  • Be the first to fight for a just cause
  • Don't confuse wealth with success
  • Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship
  • Look for ways to give praise cause everyone loves praise
  • Be an original
  • Never swap your integrity for money, power or fame
  • Don't take good friends for granted
  • Whistle to get a taller person's attention
  • Pick on someone your own size
  • Help someone named "Pop"
  • Watch out for flying corks and interoffice mail
  • A shoe in means that a shoe will be thrown at you
  • Be careful not to slip while carrying a glass of water
  • Just imagine
  • Don't get duped up
  • Don't dance yourself into the poor house
  • Don't swallow marbles
  • There are restaurants called: Gypsy Tea Room, Ye Olde Tea Room, Pedro's Cafe, Jacques Restaurant, The Vincent Van Gogh-Gogh, Pops, The China Boy Club, The Purple Pelican and Some-Little-Out-Of-The-Way-Place-Where-Nobody-Goes
  • You can read in the newspaper about: Hubbell Benson's search for a mystery group, Renaldyo's Dance Au Go-Go's open enrollment for suckers, an embassy ball for Prince Ludlow, Prince Ludlow on his honeymoon, The Black Angels massacre at Pismo beach, Babyface's exploits, want ads, Peanuts, Lil' Abner and the Monkees harp act
  • There are clubs called: The Riverdale Country Club, The Club Cassandra and The Most Prestigous Country In The World
  • There are lodging places called: Henry Cabot Lodge And Cemetary, The Compton Plaza Hotel and The Ritz Swank Hotel
  • The are schools called: Hercules Body Building School, Shah-Ku's Health And Strength Bodybuilding School, Renaldo's Dance Au Go-Go and The School Of Hard Knocks & Bruises
  • There are places called: Avon-On-Calling, Cunningham Manor, T. N. Crumpets Garage, Transoceanic Airlines, Kibbee Manor, El Monotono, The 9th National Bank, Swineville, Mamouth Studios, The Remington Clinic,Pop's Arcade Circus, The C. I. S. Headquarters, Ye Old Tea Room and Schloto's Gym
  • There are media outlets called: The Captain Crocodile TV Show, Monkees Menagerie TV Show, What's My Scene TV Show, To Tell A Fib TV Show, Frogman & Reuben The Tadpole TV Show, Hollywood Evening News, The Typesetters Union Newspaper, Hanger Round Magazine, Popular Machines Magazine and Chic Magazine
  • There are TV studios with call letters: KXIW, KXIU, KRUX, W-GO-Go-Go and WXIU
  • There a businesses called: Nelson Polling Service, Missing Persons Bureau, Zero's Pawn Shop, April's Laundromat, High Class Music Publishers and Urgent Answering Service
  • There are music groups called: Sven Helstran & The Swedish Rhythm Kings, The Jolly Green Giants, The Foreign Agents, The Popsicles, The Pelicans, The Four Martians and The Four Swine
  • The cattle grazes in a peaceful field
  • Water misses the shore outside a humble home
  • The house grows with almost no help
  • Half of the field of vision for someone is inverted
  • No running by the pool
  • Small children calculate the deposit
  • Clothing can be radioactive
  • Lay down forever in the arms of a giant crustation
  • Don't bite a bullet
  • Don't dance in the dark
  • Drunks can't say margarita correctly
  • Don't be false or untrue
  • It takes so much to discover and uncovering it is going to take a while
  • Be kind to strangers
  • The Pirate alphabet: A, I, O and S
  • Spend your 3 week honeymoon in a clothes dryer all expenses paid just to prove a point
  • The Rock And Roll Hospital treats: a person with a lack of muscle control (they can't stop playing air guitar), a person singing do wop (they are in isolation), controling the "B" sound in your voice (Kenny Rogers has this uncurable aliment)
  • The "Live At The Palais" vinyl record cuts cabbage for beautiful loking cole slaw, makes potato slices for french fries at the flip of the wrist, chops, dices, grinds, twists, cuts almost all of your favorite foods, smashes tomatoes perfectly and makes big thick noodles with just one shot
  • The game show "Name That Drug" offers your very own lawyer as a prize
  • Using a lawyer is something we all hope not to use but it is a good idea for protection
  • Someone invented tacky people
  • Correct somone if they are wrong
  • You got to be true to yourself
  • Thank the little people
  • Always when you hear a Monkees song, jump around a do a typical "romp" scene
  • For every occasion there is a song
  • Music can lift people's spirits
  • There's a Wonderland for Alice
  • There's a tall beanstalk for Jack
  • It's pillow time again
  • The sleepy train will take you safely to dreamland and back
  • You will meet all your storybook friends as you go down Mother Goose Lane
  • The candy whistle's blowin'
  • Don't you miss your train station stop
  • A wee way-farer says goodnight
  • Old tops have pleasant dreams
  • The grass is greener growing on the other side
  • Buy a dog cause you need a friend now
  • Bring a girl apples, peaches, bananas, and pears just to show her how much you care
  • Fly down to Rio on a whimsical notion
  • There's wings to the thought behind fancy and play
  • Dance to rhythms of laughter
  • Dancing makes laughter the rhythm of rain
  • Chase the sun and the Moon to find your one and only love
  • Don't trust a fool who demands things of you which weren't nice
  • It's amazing how time can so softly change your ways
  • Love is understanding
  • Love will set you free
  • Love is the key that fits a million locks
  • We were born to love one another, this is something we all need
  • Always look through the peep hole before answering the door even if you're too short to see out
  • It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
  • Save the Texas Prairie Chicken
  • If someone is mean to you, simply say "You'll do and I'll be sorry"
  • Call everyone "shotgun" or "babe"
  • You can eavesdrop into the next room using a sethoscopre or a drinking glass
  • Work hard, play hard, and get plenty of roughage in your diet
  • Buy International Steel at 28 1/2
  • Landlords are mean people who always want to throw you out just because you are two months behind in the rent
  • All you got to do is stay cool and remember these three little words: Don't Argue
  • The best toys for kids are built with happiness
  • There are a million jobs out there
  • The lion has to like you if you are going to get the job as a lion keeper at the city zoo
  • Some people just can't get a job even when the job requires no essential training skills or training
  • You can deliver pianos by bicycle
  • Get the job for the old team
  • People have one thing that machines don't have- friends
  • An I.Q. of 190 is a genius
  • A toy factory would be a fun place to work
  • 13 is between the ages of 8 and 11
  • A toy factory will test its new toys on kids to see how long a toy can keep a child's attention and the toy's durability
  • An education toy can get you killed
  • A Blackbird in a pie toy can not be bruised, bashed or scratched in any form
  • Don't force things into slots if they don't fit
  • A toy you can't throw away is: useless, may have something there and can sell it to make a million happy kids
  • If you are cold close the window
  • You can't fool a Monkee
  • Don't rip a lady's dress thinking it is a man in drag
  • A vast right wing conspiracy is messing up the toy testing day at a toy factory
  • If fustrated with something say "Bah Humbung"
  • Machines are stupid
  • The person who goes furthest in life is the who knows how to make decisions
  • Always dress nicely for a kidnapping
  • Fun is fun
  • It should be easy to get out of a locked room, it's in dozens of movies
  • CIS men talk to posicles but, hopefully, the popsicles don't talk back
  • CIS men face danger every day of the week
  • CIS is the Central Intelligence Agency
  • It's too late to get Schwartz
  • The secret exit is through the harp case not the accordian case
  • A minute is entirely too long for you to tell everything you've got on your mind
  • Never buy a cheap pair of red maracas from a fat guy with a Russian accent
  • You can't hear a nod
  • You gotta save your money for a rainy day
  • If you like a girl there will be a time when you can take the initiative and talk to her
  • Everybody remembers the Battle Of The Bulge
  • Some people don't watch TV until the evening
  • Ways to approach a girl: pretend to be taking a poll on TV viewing habits, sell her old magazines and inspect the house bomb shelter
  • Popular Machines magazine can show you how to invent the wheel
  • Some people don't want to share their bomb shelters with their neighbors
  • Stand at attention and salute an Army General
  • Landlords understand the problems of youth, are bloodsuckers and charge $2 an hour plus overtime to chaperone a party
  • Play poorly
  • Teenagers should not neck- even married teenagers
  • You can see Alcatraz through a telescope for 10 cents
  • There's no excuse for deception
  • People can fall in and out of love quite quickly
  • If you want to date an Army General's daughter all you had to do was just ask
  • Show some confidence in your teenage daughter's choices for dates by getting her a huge angry dog
  • Your friends will help you impress a visiting relative
  • If money can't buy you peace and privacy, what good is it?
  • When making tough decisions, it's helps to take a walk along the beach
  • It's hard to think with a bulb over your head
  • Cross with the green not inbetween
  • Once a trooper always a trooper
  • Don't lose Lenny's ball
  • Save on gas by coasting up the coast
  • Don't step on a spider it will rain
  • Don't trust the calvary
  • You can dial a telephone number without looking at the numbers on the phone
  • Dont sell your song to High Class Music Publishers
  • Give someone $100 for fees & incidentials and you got it made
  • Don't use your stoned maid as your party chaperone
  • It's easy to be mistaken for crooks by having a guitar in a guitar case
  • No two fingerprints are exactly alike (but are two glove prints alike ?)
  • Be kind to elderly neighbors they can also get swindled out of money and evicted from their homes
  • Superhero identities are helpful to get the bad guys and gals
  • If you can't open it burn it
  • It's not how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose
  • You can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, if you have enough good silk
  • Never trust any place that has "The Dancing Smoothies"
  • Don't object so much you'll live longer
  • A man in love has the strength of thousands
  • Pop's Restaurant has great food and A-1 service
  • The Syndicate has always believed in maintaining the status quo
  • Having a vote is democratic
  • Toast using red wine
  • It's tough to find purple flowers
  • Use white carnations if you can't find purple flowers
  • Be careful who you get cough drops from, you might burst into a rendition of "Swanee River"
  • To cure someone of amnesia you need to scare them when they are not expecting it
  • It never hurts to be sanitary
  • A mad scientist can take away your musical ability
  • You can have your own pet monster if you make dinner every night and make your bed
  • Science must be served
  • Kids should be allowed to wear their hair the way they'd like to wear it
  • Hiccup cures: imagine you are in a far off place on the sea to Madagascar, imagine you are 1,000 miles away, it's Springtime & you're in a field of flowers, jump up and down on 1 foot while counting and realize that Hubbel Benson just walked by you
  • When you hit 28, you better sell fast
  • Boxing promoters are corrupt
  • Everything doesn't go all right all the time so what can you do
  • Young people just aren't typical anything
  • Don't believe what people write in fashion magazines
  • You can't get a stuffed giraffe to eat no matter how hard you try
  • When trying to make a bad impression at a banquet go bald
  • Don't promote violence in the streets- report a mugging
  • Don't get involved with the clients
  • Behind every dark cloud there is usually rain
  • All guys want to do the laundry when the laundromat owner is a pretty blonde
  • The best way win a girl's heart is through her mind
  • Don't be the star of a beach movie cause you'll get a big ego
  • Wear shoes while going horseback riding
  • Believe in your dreams someday they'll come true
  • Don't run out of gas for your car in the middle of Mexico or in a ghost town
  • Wearing a tablecloth is a dandy fashion statement
  • Don't rob a bank thinking you are shooting a movie
  • Politics is a interesting and dirty game
  • Go to a museum to get inspired by the great painters
  • The two important things for an artist are paint and to suffer
  • Only a fool paints in a museum's basement
  • Always cheat at checkers and card games
  • Don't worry if your weak in strength you may be strong in other ways
  • Don't go around kissing a hillbilly gal you may have to marry her
  • After age 16 a hillbilly gal has to get married or else be called an old maid
  • A watched pot never boils
  • A stitch in time saves nine
  • Insects really bug people
  • Bamboo cleans your fingers the very best
  • Take a bath in polyunsaturated oil
  • Get a severe tounge lashing with a large foam tongue
  • Guns and violence don't solve anything (Amen !)
  • You don't need a rough exterior to impress chicks
  • If you find a coffin in your living room check your lease
  • Don't mutiny on a pirate ship
  • A man's first obligation is to his kinfolk
  • Seek a little bit of comfort in your hour of sorrow
  • People who you thought were your friends can double cross you
  • Guys like the way hotel maids are "maintained"
  • If someone wants to keep shooting down a bubble than you can't keep it up
  • Remember the Monkees and their crew's 1967 Christmas Message: Peace, Love and Everything Else
  • $400 doesn't go very far
  • Don't let your clothes put you on
  • It's good to have friends with you when exploring a haunted castle
  • Be careful what you wish for on a Monkey's Paw
  • Legalize wisdom
  • Tickling someone with feathers as a way to``` get someone to talk
  • People want to see reality as it is shown to them on television
  • Anybody can sing but not everybody can play with their feet
  • The good times can't last forever
  • A union won't let you work without paying your dues but you can't get any money if you don't work
  • There is some moral purpose to the unions but they do tend to put a stranglehold on people
  • Don't confuse the union
  • Chicken soup cures sickness
  • 142% interest is a very good rate for a loan
  • 137% interest wouldn't be a bad rate for a loan
  • Two reasons why someone has stopped talking: they're sick and they forgot how to talk
  • Don't sign contracts you don't read first
  • It's nice to have a harp around the house
  • You can't say "hell" on TV
  • Don't make a deal with the Devil
  • The power to love music is inside of you
  • When the chips are down you can't trust anyone these days
  • Take your vacation in Paris
  • Earth is being invaded by aliens with their feet backwards
  • A long hair weirdo is a type of fish you catch with a stick
  • Customs inspectors will ask if you have any fruits, vegetables or exotic pets
  • Don't trust a mentalist to help you with your writer's block
  • Chickens have feelings too
  • It's an honor to be considered a chicken
  • Appearances can be deceiving
  • Don't trust someone named "Madame"
  • Don't be mistaken for your Uncle who has his picture in Post Offices around the country
  • Girls won't go for a guy who is not honest
  • Don't plant poison ivy plants
  • If you can't cut a tree branch down while walking in the jungle go around
  • Some Little Out Of The Way Place Where Nobody Goes Southside branch is a great place to pick up chicks
  • To distinguish between your boots call them "he" and "she"
  • Watching too much TV can put you in a trance
  • You can learn a mystical chant from a cereal box top
  • A mystical chant from a cereal box top has only a gurantee for the chanter not the chantee
  • People have the knowledge (evil though it may be) to twist the mind to any lunacy
  • Eating an apple (an apple being a symbol for the fall of man) is similar to the guys being lured into the Monkees project
  • It's an old saying that if you let 100 monkeys sit in front of 100 typewriters in 100 years maybe by chance they will write a play by Shakespeare
  • All anyone wants is complete and utter freedom
  • Everyone has their own means of escape
  • There's so many highways to travel upon
  • Make up your story as you go along
  • Commercialism and Billboards can ruin a landscape
  • Living is a lie
  • Porpoises laugh goodbye
  • A face, a voice and an overdub has no choice
  • Riding the backs of giraffes for laughs is alright for a while
  • The ego sings of castles, kings and things that go with a lifeless style
  • Don't ever lend money to a man with a sense of humor
  • Don't ever but never make fun of no cripples
  • People can't see the connection between government and laughing at cripples
  • The whole phallic thing is happening
  • Victor Mature is a giant with dandruff
  • The human mind is almost incapiable of disquishing between the real and the vividally imagined experience
  • Manipulated experiences are received more or less directly and interpreted by the mind
  • Manipulated images are directly acted upon or or stored in memory
  • Manipulated images begin to separate you from the reality of the now
  • You must allow the reality of the now to just happen as it happens
  • Observe
  • Smile
  • Act with clarity
  • Where there is clarity there is no choice and where there is choice there is misery
  • Everyone has loved ones you know
  • After a snake bite happens suck out the venum before it reaches the heart
  • Always dress nicely when playing the most prestigious country club
  • Story ideas can come out of nowhere
  • The Monkees lunchbox makes a great weapon
  • If all else fails go to the still of the lizard sunning itself on a rock
  • Alls well that ends well
  • Ain't no use in crying over spilt milk
  • If you are not hungry don't eat!
  • Don't fall into the abyss
  • Golden grecian goblets guarantee graves
  • Huntington Hartford hates pickled herrings
  • Don't shoot until you see the whites in their eyes
  • Take a parachute on a plane just in case your relative changes his mind about having you leave your friends
  • Be Good
  • Old politicians never die they just rot away
  • It's better to have a brave death than to have lived a cowardly life
  • Leisure is the inevitable byproduct of our civilization
  • Young people's problem is that they make life exactly what they want
  • It's better to give than to receive
  • Smoking may be hazardous to your health
  • Spend more time on your music because the youth of America depends on you to show the way
  • For every bright light there is a broken heart
  • Act tough
  • The power is inside you. Nobody can give it to you, nobody can take it away
  • You should be a hero to yourself and if you weren't - check it out
  • We need all the love we can get
  • He who saves one risks drowning himself
  • Don�t talk to no strangers after midnight
  • Bring your hankerchief on your date
  • Take your umbrella it might rain
  • Your negative energy just attracts more negativity
  • If an apple seed turns into wing, it�ll fly away a beautiful butterfly. But if a butterfly turns into apple seed, it will just lie there on the ground
  • When it rains you get wet if you live in a parking lot
  • You have to Entertain with a capital E
  • You can never move forward standing in the same place
  • Write Dr. Sisters to help you straighten up the problems your messy little life
  • Choose fingers when making decisions
  • Be Democratic
  • "The Anniversary Waltz" is music
  • Occidentials amd Orientials are curious people
  • Don't send a boy to do a man's job
  • Neither Van Johnson, Van Helfin, moving van, pick up truck or Dean Martin is the correct name of the 8th President of the United States of America
  • Suckers sign lifetime contracts
  • Lifetime contracts come with an option for renewal and graduate work
  • Remember it's only a B series
  • Sets and costumes can cost a lot of money
  • Get a brilliant idea from the writers
  • TV writers are overpaid
  • Dancing can change your whole life
  • You can free dance lessons from Renaldo's Dance Au Go-Go valued at $12.98 if you can answer their trivia question correctly
  • Find love and adventure at Renaldo's Dance Au Go-Go
  • You don't hear much from your liver
  • You can't sleep or eat if don't have any money
  • Renaldo's Dance Au Go-Go is the only studio in town that: is patient with your mistakes, the instructors act like perfect gentlemen, you learn the latest dance steps and is devoted to your fun & pleasure
  • Get the Dancing Smoothies in an emergency
  • The Dancing Smoothies are former Renaldo's Dance Au Go-Go's students and will show you how easy it is to widen your World with dancing
  • The Mugumba dance: you put your left hand straight up in the air, you put your right hand straight up in the air then someone pulls out a gun and sticks you up
  • Ways to lift the curse of a Monkey's Paw: sell it to someone else, tickle the person with feathers and bang 3 times on a gong
  • Get a tan while under the bright lights during a police intetrrogation
  • Anyone can learn
  • Las Vegas is the pleasure capital of the World
  • Each man seeks the things he loves most
  • Some people pursue the pleasure while others pursue the greed
  • Monday had a sad child
  • Tuesday had a dream child
  • If you love a Wednesday you'll live your life apart
  • Thursday's gonna break your heart
  • Friday likes a good life
  • Saturday's got what it takes babe
  • Sunday makes a good wife
  • Honesty is returning a wallet to an eccentric millionaire that's not his
  • Don't count your chickens before they hatch
  • The English like tea
  • Tea leaves are predestined and never lie
  • Women make up half of the World
  • Guys can't keep vows about being staying away from girls
  • Flashbulbs can temporarily blind you
  • Bring your own chair when you come to judge a beauty pagaent
  • Be careful about putting a dove in a paper bag
  • Be careful about putting milk into a hat
  • You can't see the forest through the trees
  • Don't cry over spilt milk
  • You can ruin someone's singing act by putting rocks in their pockets, giving them a wabbly cane and breath spray that will make them sound horse
  • Even if you are chained to a chair you can still get around town
  • Machines avoid the human error
  • Show business is performing a cabaret without a license and Mendrick losing his job because of the Monkees
  • It costs money to help an old lady cross the street
  • The spirit of Christmas is seen all year long with a smile
  • Nobody's tone deaf
  • Circus people hate rock and rollers
  • You can't expect the writers to know everything
  • It's a shame youth is wasted on children
  • Hunger could possibly justify murder
  • Freud is too close to his mother
  • All the king's horses couldn't put a broken heart back together again
  • Horses appreciate good soup
  • A warewolf sounds like a dog
  • On the verge of torture, agree to steal the Multese Vulture
  • When on a boxing tour, you have to find that one hotel that has a lot of gambling, drinking, fast women and loose talk
  • Remember the words of an old Yugoslavian philosopher "Haber reeber sacken rober soaken raber seeken robber" when boxing
  • Jump on the table and dance in order to mingle
  • Turn on a light so you stop scaring people
  • Inherit and run
  • You want to get a po box 9847
  • Don't fill your boat with too much stuff
  • You have to be prepared
  • You can get water from a car's petrol tank and radiator
  • The Blimline Bus Lines have cheap rates
  • It's such a pleasure to take Blim and leave the driving to them
  • Urgent Answering Service has it's fingers on the pulse of the city
  • If you get tired while working at Urgent Answering Service, press the red button for a pull out bed in the wall
  • SDRAWKCAB contains aluminum and is superior to products that contain iron
  • SDRAWKCAB is spelled backwards is backwards
  • A little bit of iron is fine but iron can rust
  • Dancing isn't interfereing
  • The Frodis Room is the room that has the "Frodis Room" on the door
  • Check the neighbors and the TV studio if the TV is leaving everyone in a trance
  • The heat is the Telephone Company
  • Make sure you have the phone receiver is turned the right way when you are trying to talk on the phone
  • Keep the stage door closed
  • If it is easy to sneak back into the TV studio then it must be some sort of trick
  • Try to undo the evil that has been done
  • Sneak up on someone in the woods by hiding behind some shrubery while slowly walking closer to them
  • You can go to England in a mummy case
  • Mummys make wonderful lamps
  • Everybody loves somebody sometime
  • Run for mayor when your elderly neighbors get evicted from their homes to make way for parking lots
  • Throwing people out of their homes is the American way
  • Exercise Gyms make you think you are weak in order to get your money
  • The universe is perminated with the smell of turpentine
  • Shake hands and be friends
  • Early evening guests at a restaurant means business is going to be good
  • If there's no one your size then maybe you should get out of the syndicate business
  • Sharpen knives before cutting meat
  • The syndicate are nice people
  • Some dogs hate Italian food
  • Before a vote calm yourself down with a toast of wine
  • If you don't drink alcohol ask for ginger ale
  • If you lose at a game ask to play 2 out of 3, 3 out of 4 and 3 out of 5
  • People should be able to get along
  • You mustin' make fun of a drunkard
  • You can hear people next door by holding a glass or a stethoscope against the wall
  • Everybody steals hotel towels
  • Bob Dylan can write a song about your problems
  • Overdue library books is a serious problem with the police tracking down suspects
  • Return library books on time
  • Use sunblock to avoid a sunburn when under the hot police interrogating lights
  • Hold a Medieval Fair to raise money
  • If one fund raiser makes 10,000 pounds and you need 40,000 just hold 3 more fund raisers
  • Medieval Fairs are like a love-in
  • Bribe a cameraman for more close-ups
  • It's deplorable and disgraceful to watch someone get mugged and not help them
  • You can get $150 for playing at a sweet sixteen birthday party the Riveria Country Club
  • Giving someone a "G" means pulling out one of your guitar strings
  • You can sneak someone out of a home inside a piece of furniture
  • But inside all is not well
  • There's no difference between getting hung up and got hung up
  • You can't pass your history final with Davy Jones on your mind
  • December 16, 1773 was the date of the Boston Tea Party
  • Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr had a duel cause Alexander Hamilton accused Aaron Burr of treason
  • Aaron Burr is a blaggart
  • Don't cry at your own sweet 16 birthday party
  • Don't start a trend
  • In poker, a straight to the tens beats 3 ladies
  • In poker, all red ones beats a straight to the tens
  • In poker, a chandelier beats all red ones
  • In poker there is a card sequence called a chandelier
  • A chandelier card sequence means to take a gun and shoot down the large chandelier over the table
  • Be quiet in the card room
  • In gratitude for selling out you must play
  • Chop an onion by hitting it with a rolling pin
  • Don't sneeze while carrying a tray of pepper shakers
  • To get dough off the cieling, shoot it down with a gun
  • The biggest expense on a movie set is coffee and doughnuts
  • You need to have someone write a book called "The First 10 Days of Pompeii" before you make a movie about it that advertises it by saying "you read the book now see the movie"
  • A gentleman doesn't stare at a lady
  • A beggar can look at a Queen
  • Don't pound a cork further into a wine bottle
  • Only one who is born to the grape knows the proper way to open Champagne
  • A flying cork can collapse a building
  • Redeeming qualities: being kind to dumb animals, give blood to the Red Cross and love your mother
  • The piping to turn on a park fountain is a symbol of an unfeeling mechanized society
  • Two can play at humiliation
  • Don't steal someone's portrait
  • Guys like to compare their comb sizes
  • If you dig a girl, talk to her don't steal her picture
  • A Derby Doll is the only doll on the market that actually wets, spits and screams
  • You're supposed to shoot an arrow with a bow not wear it
  • Good servents are hard to find
  • Talk music, books and politics when on a date
  • You can get cold feet by walking
  • Everyone is good at something
  • Teach a person to talk by trying to get them to say "pencil" while holding a crayon
  • The 8th President of the United States was Martin Van Buren
  • The three most important words are: just sign here
  • Don't believe in tea leaves
  • 4 out of 4 teenage marriages end in divorce
  • Gypsies are desperate people
  • Everybody loves gypsy music
  • Party planners say "Don't call us we'll call you" to the people who don't get the booking
  • Famous last words of little red riding hood are "the woods are just so beautiful"
  • Don't trust a band of gypsies
  • A gypsy knows how to laugh and dance
  • A boar's tooth is a good luck charm especially with a itty bitty cavity in it
  • A boar's tooth has 27% fewer cavities
  • A jar of salt thrown over you shoulder is for good luck
  • Don't bite your nails
  • Gypsies originated the art of Phrenology
  • Phrenology is the study the bumps on a person's head
  • A Phrenology chart has a pin that stands for holding up the chart
  • A switchblade is a traditional gypsy weapon
  • Breaking and entering is a crime
  • When sneaking into a medical clinic the first thing to do is to try to look like patients
  • In Act 1 of "Ben Casey" Ben Casey needs: love, understanding, his mother rejected him, his sister resented him, lost all confidence and now this operation
  • Kill someone if they know too much
  • The effects of Dr. Marcovich's temporary memory loss machine usually lasts for 3 days
  • Tell TV Guide what you are doing
  • Don't let the activities of a hospital be disruppted
  • Don't give up all hope when looking for someone
  • Caugh drops are powerful
  • You can smuggle someone out of the country in an ambulance
  • Ambulance chasers are everywhere
  • Being turned around on a gourney can make you dizzy
  • For helping America's enemies people will get a 20 year prison sentance from a federal judge and a prettty good risk slapping from the AMA
  • Don't use your knowledge for evil and badness
  • War is war, peace is peace and science is science
  • Chinese restaurants serve fried rice, chicken chow mein and won ton soup
  • Bow when leaving a Chinese establishment as a sign of respect
  • Dr. Schnitzler is one of America's greatest nuclear scientists and a humble man of science
  • Chinese and French restaurants look the same
  • Don't bother the police about a missing person until you know where you've been
  • Try again or you'll never learn
  • Ambulance chasers are everywhere
  • Ways to get into a medical clinic: pretend to be hurt and climb up the ladder on the side of the building
  • The old folks play way down upon the Swanee River
  • Don't play a gig in a big scary mansion
  • Rosebud is the name of a sled
  • You can't tutor a computer- cater a computer
  • You can't teach a Monster to sing
  • In order to play the guitar the first thing you have to learn is to move
  • The art of drumming is to be very gentle
  • Signing up for bossa nova lessons is vitality important
  • Everyone has their own style
  • "Goo-rah" is an old Transylvanian folk song
  • The evilest person of all is Clyde Schneidel of Dusseldorf, Germany
  • Try harder or you'll always be second best
  • "Goo-rah" means "Jimmy crack corn and I don't care"
  • The mountain roads are hazardous after dark
  • Watch TV to relax
  • There are some things man is never meant to tamper with
  • Pack up all the pain in your heart and make a brand new start cause tomorrow's gonna be another day
  • The good guys wear white cowboy hats
  • "Ol lamka kimba coonba coom de berto seema" doesn't mean live and be well
  • You can't barge in on someone based on a suspicion that their life is in danger
  • The 309 or the Usurper throne is: fit for a king, captures the person's ruthless ambition, cruel determination and designed for people dare to be called tyrants
  • When you rewind a tape it plays the "Theme From The Monkees" real fast
  • You can get into an adjoining room very quietly
  • Do everything you can to get your jacket back
  • If you pay for a throne in cash you can get a foot stool in the form of a servile flatterer
  • Barge through a door only if it is locked
  • The streetcar is going up the hill
  • The fox has stolen a chicken
  • The onions ripen in the Spring especally if it is raining
  • Place an "X" on the floor where you want someone to stand in order to get hit on the head by a wall safe
  • Jumping up and down will help loosen a rope
  • You can't afford to take chances
  • To capture a person: have someone read a story while the others come up behind and tie the person up
  • Wall safes play "Last Train To Clarksville"
  • Bring your own pretzels to a party
  • Be suspicious of anyone named Boris
  • Spies lose money on the maracas but they make it back on the microfilm
  • American teenagers are very agressive
  • If you don't have any seat preference on an airplane ask for 10A that's over the wing
  • Ghost towns are nice places to visit just not to live there
  • Every man wants a job, security, a home, PTA meetings and cookouts on the weekends
  • You can play baseball in a cell if you bunt a lot
  • Lenny's famous line is: You guys ain't going no where
  • If you get a horse from someone just ride him like you always done
  • Horses don't eat salami
  • Sometimes people just want to be werewolves
  • Eat spinich and bananas to get extra energy
  • Decorate for a party by hanging streamer and balloons using motorbikes and a wheelchair
  • Hold a tea cup properly by holding your pinking out straight
  • Place marbles in your mouth to help learn to pronounce words
  • Use a candlestick to help with the way to pronounce and control the amount of air needed to pronounce "h's"
  • Don't leave someone waiting at the door
  • Don't tresspass
  • It's not snick but sneak
  • You can learn how to swallow a sword
  • The circus is saved now that the Mozarella Brothers are going to perform
  • The circus gives you the feeling that everyone likes each other
  • Everyone loves the circus
  • The circus is a tradition
  • Being in a circus can be financially straining
  • You must not give up
  • You must have hope
  • People will come to the circus again it just has to be there when they do
  • The circus never dies
  • Having a double is like the book "The Prince And The Pauper"
  • If Vincent Van Gogh had a girl like Wendy he would still have both his ears
  • You'll feel better if you faint
  • Running a country even for a few days takes a man of particular talents
  • The pad's refregiator has some limberger cheese, a can of sardines and some liverwurst that's been there for 2 weeks
  • Poison ain't french dressing
  • A form of identification is a birthmark
  • The movie "Road To Morocco" has a scene where 2 people pretend to play "patty cake" then knock another person out
  • Jailers would abandon their prince in a moment of need
  • Men of evil oppose the forces of goodness, sweetness and niceness
  • Crime does not pay
  • 13 is an unlucky number
  • The most important thing is what the kids want
  • A commando was an allied troop in World War 2
  • If you can't perform on the Captain Crocodile show get your own show with host Howard Needleman
  • Don't appear on the Captain Crocodile Show expecting to perform a song
  • The Captain Crocodile Show doesn't look like a vast wasteland
  • Fun is throwing a pie or seltzer into someone's face
  • Dress nicely when seeing a big TV producer
  • When you reach the heights it's all down hill from there
  • Bring your kid back a panda bear plush toy when visit Australia
  • It's important to stay relaxed on TV and work to the right camera
  • Ways to prevent someone from performing on your show: cut back to you just after you introduce them, keep the camera in motion, put a net over them, set a small bomb in one of the drums and tell them they can perform but the show is off the air
  • Use silly nonsense words when fighting the bad guys
  • Ruin some furniture during a fight scene so it looks more authentic
  • Don't get nasty evil thoughts
  • Love them not sick them
  • You can read kids a story using the dictionary
  • The Nelson Polling Services only uses 14 in it's poll for the Captain Crocodile Show
  • Be careful of nails sticking out of posts
  • Intuition is possible
  • You can't get a stuffed giraffe to eat no matter how hard you try
  • Always look through the door peep hole even if you can't see out of it when you answer the door
  • Police inspectors keep a pocket mirror in their desk in order to show people how much they look like a criminal
  • When you're in prison for a long time all the stones look alike
  • Don't get carried away while visiting your cousin in jail
  • Everyone knows you can't feed egg rolls to a dog
  • Bringing home too much Chinese food can make you sick
  • Chinese restaurants are free of all the cares of the World
  • Speed is not as important as secrey
  • Utter secrecy means to reapeat the word "secrecy" a few times
  • You have to say "absolutely positively" if the door leads to freedom
  • Using psychological warfare means to trade insults
  • The old bug trick means to pretend to have the doomsday bug in your hand
  • Tip well in Chinese restaurants
  • Picking up stolen security information is a very serious offense
  • There's such a thing as a doomsday bug
  • Always salute the CIS
  • Read instructions then destroy the paper it is written on
  • Chinese is read up and down
  • Chinese spies use gongs too much
  • The fellow that you least expect is the man in charge (the number 1 guy)
  • You can't talk if you don't know anything
  • Its a far far better thing I do than I have ever done before
  • You can scare someone into helping you
  • The first rule of a spy organization: he who eat cookie screw up formula something terrible
  • The Chinese ice torture is: a dagger is suspended by a rope over the victim's throat and to a chunk of ice, the ice slowly melts and gets closer & closer to the victim's throat
  • Make sure you have ice if you are going to do the Chinese ice torture
  • Eat a little something to settle your upset stomach
  • The doomsday bug is the CIS's chemical Warfare Department's most powerful weapon
  • 10,000 red ants are numerous, patient and prevail
  • Foreign spies take fortune cookies with portions of a secret formula in order to pass along to the Asian master
  • Don't take a fortune cookie that has a portion of a secret formula on it
  • If you are scared during a CIS interrogation hold soneone's arm and cry
  • Stuff cotton in your ears to quiet the sound of a gong
  • Wait for a person to take the cotton out of their ears in order to speak to them
  • You can get hungry saving your country
  • Food should not be eaten with the fingers
  • Fingers a eaten separately from food
  • Don't talk with your mouth full
  • Don't make a fuss about going to sleep
  • Don't be a Mr. Mouth
  • Chew carefully or how else are you going to become President
  • There's no sense in arguing
  • Chic Magazine has a cereal of the month
  • Quadismodo has to imporve his posture
  • If someone insults you say "well same to ya"
  • Don't get up and keep convalescing
  • A poodle plush doesn't travel well
  • Observe rules
  • Putting the filth out is nothing
  • Apologize
  • Young men need guidence
  • Move if people in the neighborhood don't call back
  • Illustrate Southeast Asia with falling dominoes
  • Don't drink water in bed with an electric blanket
  • Loosen the gag in someone's mouth if you can't understand what they are saying
  • The only way out is to get married
  • A great line to tell a woman- Your eyes are like cupcakes floating in a sea of sour cream
  • What good is success if you catch a cold
  • There's nothing stopping you from living
  • You can get overheated playing ping pong by yourself
  • You never know what opportunities can come up if you always have someone there answering the phone 24 hours a day
  • Working for Urgent Answering Service you can be part of the cold World where a man depends on answering services
  • Some people just don't make friends that easy
  • The best way to wake someone up is with a squirt of seltzer
  • Don't use your answering service to practice for a play about a lonely woman on the verge of suicide
  • Don't use your answering service for placing bets on horses
  • Don't use your answering service to get messages to your mistress
  • The condor is the California state bird and a big bird with large beak
  • Things can seem kind of bleak at times
  • You can talk on the phone without the cord being attached to the receiver
  • Monkeys are notoriously courious
  • You can't find it cause it's here
  • Working for Urgent Answering Service is like getting paid for nothing
  • Be courteous
  • If your a musician working for Urgent Answering Service you can listen to the dial tone for music
  • Sometimes it seems like the whole World is running around in circles
  • Fish can swim
  • A girl attracted to 4 different guys is in a dangerous emotional state and this unresolved conflict can lead to a nervous collapse
  • A real nervous person is too nervous to write a letter
  • Ballet is great for a future husband
  • Shakesphere said "to thine own self be true"
  • Stop before you say something you'll regret
  • Be quiet and maybe you'll learn something
  • You can't move a case of the plague
  • The plague is always contagious
  • You can't starve people out of their hotel rooms in just 30 minutes
  • It's not hard to become an actor- all you need to do is to bring lots of rye bread, some cold cuts and potato salad
  • Don't forget the pickles
  • When packing for a trip take plenty of clean socks
  • The butler did it
  • There must be someone out there who can use your talents
  • Millionaires fall asleep quickly after drinking brandy
  • It takes no special talent to dig something considered beautiful
  • Nobody considers a garage door beautiful
  • It costs 80 cents to see a movie at a drive-in
  • Extras are a dime a dozen
  • Friends have good intensions when they wrap you up in a volleyball net
  • Touring can be very physically demanding
  • All the physically demanding things about touring disappear once you hit the stage
  • Ride horses at your own risk
  • Walking around the town went out with Micky Rooney and Judy Garland movies
  • There's nothing to do in El Monotono, Mexico
  • Advice for tourists in El Monotono, Mexico: Yankee Go Home
  • The old must make way for the new
  • Say goodbye with your eyes
  • Every couple has its problems
  • Carry your own shoe shine kit to shine El Diablo's boots
  • It takes 50 cents to park in El Monotono Mexico
  • A metal triangle was used to summon cowboys for dinner
  • You untie a square knot by putting the loose end through the figure 8
  • A bell rings 11 times when it is noon
  • Don't harm any living creature
  • Schedule your duels at noon when working on a tan
  • Rehearsing can make your performance stale
  • Smile when you are on hidden camera
  • To be believable as a cop you have to look steely eyed and hold your gun straight
  • Cops are method actors
  • Nahudian law does not permit more than 2 minutes of contact at the first meeting
  • The camel sleeps with one eye facing the moon in order to keep his pants up
  • Do not question the strange ways of the Nahudian people
  • You can fight city hall
  • Evicting people in order to tear down homes to make parking lots violates every zoning regulation
  • The complaint door at the mayor's office leads out to the street
  • Our country was settled in 1612 when across the shores the Pilgrims saw lots of Indians
  • You can't stand in the way of progress
  • Turning the city into parking lots will ensure that no one can enter or leave the city without paying for parking
  • The rights of individual citizens has got to be respected
  • Don't let a totalitarian government run the city
  • Crazy George cut down the cherry tree
  • You can be too honest
  • Abraham Lincoln said "with malice towards none and clarity for all"
  • No one would say "I will hunker down like a jack ass in a hail storm"
  • According to the democratic system in this city anyone has a chance to win an mayoral election
  • Camapigning for mayor involves: kissing babies, waving from a float being pushed down the street, pretending to stop a robbery, judging a beauty contest, shaking hands, putting up posters and helping old ladies cross the street
  • Get people to come to a $100 a plate dinner to raise campaign funds by marking it down to $1.98
  • Don't sucked up into the very forces that you are trying to conquer
  • Goons work at city hall
  • Don't forge paintings
  • The maid comes the second Tuesday of every month with an "R" in it
  • Nobody would listen to people who don't have any power is the noble enough reason to ran for mayor
  • One man's honesty throws sand in the machinery
  • Political sabotage means someone has something to hide
  • The mayor's office has coffee breaks 9-5
  • Everyone at the mayor's office takes their coffee break at the same time
  • The oldest trick in the book is to tear down a parking lot to build a parking lot
  • Two halves of a check for $100 is $200
  • With money you can blow the town wide open or wide closed
  • Rickenbacker has better penmanship than Lindburgh
  • Don't be nervous about being on TV
  • The little people in the town don't have any power
  • If you can be tricked into taking money from an improper source than you are not cut out to be mayor
  • A wrecking ball is a watch bob for a giant
  • Parking downtown only costs 50 cents
  • The best way to photograph evidence is to use a 35 isocentric lens with a reflex hoverton medium
  • Getting your head duped is a stone drag
  • "Voila" is French
  • Guards at fancy art museums work with finesse Don't pick on someone who is a high school dropout
  • Be careful not to break anything in an art museum
  • Try to be punctual
  • Don't get caught in your own security trap
  • Put hot mustard on cheese sandwiches
  • Use special X-ray glasses so you can see the invisible beams of a security system
  • If you have to hide in an art museum, become motionless like a statue
  • Franz Hals was a classic artist, had a lot of class, a lot of money, a good dresser with a lot of ruffles and had a lot of style with a big hat
  • Business before pleasure
  • Tickets to Europe are expensive
  • A true artist needs a beard and to feel the painting in his canvas and soul
  • Nobody but a fool would paint in a museum's basement
  • If you insult somebody they have to understand you
  • Leonardo DiVinci couldn't be rushed
  • Franz Hals's painting "The Laughing Cavalier" is influenced by the Venetian period and no one can emulate his brushstrokes
  • Don't worry if you don't see a camera cause the filmmakers use the hidden camera technique
  • Bank safes operate on a time lock
  • If the police come to your house, stop fooling around and come up with your hands up
  • Vote innoscent
  • Spill the beans means emptying the contents of a can of beans and trying to talk to someone like a telephone receiver
  • Bring a file for someone in jail
  • The best lawyer has the biggest ad in the classified pages
  • An open and shut case means you're guilty
  • Call the judge "Yes your magesty, your queenhip, your honor will do"
  • Do not enter a door that is an exit only
  • The playground is a great place to snoop
  • A saying when asking a group for their input is: Let's run it up the atenna and check the reception
  • Robbery is not ridiculous
  • It's disastrous to walk around without much strength
  • You can train one's own body to be an absolute utter physical wreck
  • The mind makes adjustments to things you don't want to admit to
  • For very little money you can buy equipment that's the same as a body building course that's worth thousands and thousands of dollars
  • Running is the best form of exercise- it uses every part of the body in the most natural way
  • Don't run into a volleyball net
  • Without your strength you're nothing
  • Physical beauty isn't enough
  • Money is no object
  • Early to bed and early to rise
  • Don't get strong just to hurt someone
  • It's so unnecessary to hit someone
  • Volleyballs are made out of lead
  • The cost of science goes up
  • Modern science can do wonders
  • Starve yourself in order to purify your tissues
  • Steak has fat
  • Fat clogs your veins
  • Putting impurities into your body makes you short
  • The garbage is no place to serve steak
  • The essence of health food cousine: fried fermented goat milk curd with a dash of linseed oil made to a crisp golden green and scalloped mountain moss au gratin with a special peanut shell base
  • Your have to make your own peanut shell base cause you find that kind of stuff in cans
  • Put whipped cream on the backs of bullies
  • You can pretend to have muscles by wearing protective shoulder pads over a jacket
  • At Weakling Annonymous you can find the ultimate weapon for the modest price of $150
  • A coward dies a thousand deaths but a brave man dies only 500 or so
  • You soon will admit to being a loser after joining Weakling Annonymous
  • An intellectual person reads "Remembrance of Things Past" by Marcel Proust
  • Blondes don't care, dig muscles on a guy and repeat the last word you say
  • You can develop the inner muscles of your chest in order to eliminate the necessity of breathing
  • Don't get involved in a hillbilly feud between 2 families
  • A straight line will go around the World and comes back to the same place
  • 16 years old is considered an old maid in Swineville
  • Fueding neighbors should cease & desist and lay down their arms
  • Pick up your arms and fight for what's yours
  • Helping an old lady cross the feuding line is a tough way to break into the Boy Scouts
  • A good tension reliever: grit your teeth, snarl, get mad then relax
  • America has not been at war with the British since 1812
  • If you feel bad find someone to hate- it cures the bloodstream
  • How to play a good nose: put 2 fingers of the right hand place it over the right nostril of the right nose then put your left finger over the left nostril and don't breathe
  • Consult the script if you forget a line
  • The four things a lady respects most in a gentleman: kindness, consideration, affection and a punch in the mouth
  • 3 out of 4 ain't bad
  • You eat with a spoon and fork
  • You use a knife to stab the person who makes you eat with a spoon and fork
  • Ways to woo a girl: you got to be sweet not surly, tender instead of tasiturn & amiable instead of angry then ask yourself what ever happened to the good ol' Judd Wiskett
  • A preacher gets $2 to perform a hillbilly wedding ceremony
  • Make sure that you are performing the right ceremony when you have a wedding and a funeral service to perform on the same day
  • Don't buy Cleveland, Bluebird's treasure map, a guitar, San Diego or Liverpool from a con man
  • Be cautious
  • $2 in English pounds is 17 shillings sixpence
  • The picture "Carnival Of Coasta Rica" starred Dick Haymes and Vera-Ellen and is a good picture
  • The city of San Diego is a good buy but turn it down
  • A guy who almost pitched for Brooklyn wouldn't steer you wrong
  • Dr. Schwartzkov specializes in jungle fever, malaria, prodrome, febrile & appendectomy and his office is always open & he's got the bag
  • Come in peace
  • Jungle friends include a chicken, bunnies, kittens and puppies
  • Bury your picnics under an ant hill
  • There are dumber things to do than buying a worthless treasure map
  • A policeman can get you a good deal on the city of Liverpool
  • A guitar costs $108
  • A stones throw up the coast means many miles
  • Kimba knows jungle like the back of his hand
  • Treva Silverman, Gerald Gardner, Dee Carouso, Peter Meyerson, Robert Schlitt and Stanley Ralph Ross write this stuff
  • A deserted island can have a car backfiring
  • Treasure hunting is fun
  • If it's 10 after 4, it's too late to turn back
  • Play hide and seek by hiding behind a person
  • Except for Barbara Stanwyck, crying doesn't get you anywhere
  • The original Kimba of the jungle was left behind to rot on a deserted island when the movie company ran out of money in 1960
  • The chick who played the original Kimba of the jungle's wife left a deserted island with a casting director who promised her a big career
  • The original Kimba of the jungle's kid is alive and well living in Argentina
  • Quicksand is very dangerous
  • Listening to a tape of very loud dogs barking can give you a headache
  • Believe a person has defected cause they have the weapon
  • Taking too much stuff in a boat is silly nonsense
  • White men speak with straight tongue
  • Poor indian can't help you with your problems but will put you on hold
  • Look for people under a rock, under a lamp shade, in a coffee pot, inside a cup, inside a pitcher, through the glassless patio door and under the phone with the glass cake cover
  • Drown for it if your boat is gone and you hear rifle shots on a supposed deserted island
  • It's not sporting to tell which direction someone went when playing hide and seek but it's okay to point
  • "Kretch" means it's not what you say but how you say it
  • "The Lone Ranger" used a small set
  • Killing someone in cold blood isn't British
  • If you're Australian the rules don't count
  • After finding buried treasure say "Eureka! I've found it"
  • Shoot a bullet to open an old padlock
  • A mentalist has long nails, a monocle, hypnotizing potion, a cigarette in a cigarette holder and psychic slaves
  • 50 cents is an unfair amount but half a dollar is a kind and generous amount
  • Knock out pills give fast relief
  • In badminton, you hit the birdie over the net
  • In the spin the bottle game, a girl spins a bottle and who ever it points to gets a kiss
  • You can't tie a mustang down
  • You can't keep an ocean in a cup
  • Believe your parents when they tell the date you were born
  • When introducing a song instead of saying "it goes something like this" say "it goes exactly like this"
  • Be careful of denting someone's couch by constantly fainting and falling on it
  • Mansions don't look so scary in the morning
  • Druvanian instruments are really weird
  • Talk things over instead of hiding behind a gun
  • Together we will pursuvere, march, win and find ourselves in places we have no business being
  • Brainwashing needs a good detergent
  • New Reebersober's Brain Detergent doesn't fade, bleach or shrink your brains
  • Be careful not to get soap in your eyes from the squeezable bottle
  • Holding a glass on a wall in order to hear next door was in a movie
  • A good place to hide secret microfilm is in the toe of a ballet slipper
  • American customs will never look for secret microfilm in the toe of a ballet slipper
  • A lute is a string instrument
  • Don't start an international incident by helping a Druvanian ballerina defect
  • George Washington, Nathan Hale and Paul Reevere did not talk about risks
  • The BVD covers the unders and when you're under the covers of the BVD it is known as the underwear
  • Killing someone with a gun at the precise moment when a cymbal is crashed is in a movie
  • Ways to stop someone from crashing their cymbals: distract the cymbal player with the kettle drum in front of him, put a cushion between the two cymbals, pull down one of the cymbals and offer the cymbal player a sandwich
  • It's not enough to be infatuated with a face
  • True love requires mutual understanding and a common background
  • They won't let guys with long hair into Disneyland
  • You can't explain toughness to just an ordinary chick
  • Fighting is unconstitutional, very frivolous in solving a problem and you can really get hurt
  • It's a good feeling to help a old lady from being conned out of all her money
  • She can cheat the dead
  • Don't be disrespectful to those who have passed on
  • The Boy Scouts offer an officer's commission
  • Things you can incorporate into the act: silence, a harp and a trumpet
  • You hold hands at a s�ance in order to get contact and because people are scared silly
  • Don't lean on a door eavesdropping on the people inside
  • Get your bank book for security
  • The Egyptian Head Banging Cure for headaches: stick out your feet, Mrs. Weatherspoon steps on them and then you forget all about your headache because of the pain in your feet
  • Drown your sorrows with buttermilk
  • The rope for the main sail is the rope that has the sign "Main Sail"
  • Notice is get out in 10 minutes or I'll beat you up
  • A sextant is used to shoot the sun
  • You can get seasick from taking seasick pills
  • A captain is crackers/ crazy for not charging his parrot for his parrot's advice
  • You can tape a parrot's beak shut
  • Holding up the Queen Anne is risky and calls for bravery & valor
  • Stop a robbery on the high seas
  • Sailors first are men
  • Punishment for insorbination, mutiny and impersonating a parrot is to be dunk into the sea
  • The captain says when to fire the cannon
  • The starboard side of a ship is the right side
  • Sailors need to have strength, the ability to use their hands and have knowledge of the 7 seas
  • You can get long hair from a little store on the Sunset strip
  • The gallows is where people are hung while the galley is the kitchen
  • Punishment for having long hair: 10 lashes for insorbination and 10 more if they laugh
  • A boom back is a large type of pole for stretching the bottom of a sail
  • How to hoist a main sail: put your left hand over the rope, put the left hand below the right hand on the rope and apply a slow vertical motion
  • It is a tremendous stroke of luck to have Davy Jones on your ship
  • Captain Ahab has sailed the seven seas looking for the great white whale Moby Dick
  • Captain Ahab wil be in his cabin looking for Moby Dick
  • It's a stroke of luck to have David Jones on your ship
  • Captain Hornblower is groovy
  • Captain Queeg had his strawberries stolen
  • There are reasonable limits to everything
  • Crackers is slang for crazy
  • Mutiny because Clark Gable and Marlon Brando have in the movies
  • Men were not meant to take abuse
  • A Monkee treat is saving the Queen Anne, her gold and all her passengers
  • You can't do anything with vintage 66
  • A nester is another word for farmer
  • Use talcum to soothe an itchy trigger finger
  • Outlaws always come back
  • Don't gamble all your money away on a pretty girl
  • Coins are entirely too heavy compared to paper money
  • Invest your money or spend it on something worth wild
  • You can use a vacuum tank to steal money
  • If you have money stolen from your hotel stretcher yell out "POLICE POLICE POLICE" real loud
  • Don't sign a confession until you know what you are confessing to have done
  • How to make a capital "M": draw a line at a 45 degree angle then draw another line at a 90 degree angle then one at a 45 degree angle
  • Police need to arrest the criminal not the victim and to learn this in cop shop
  • Police need to inform people about having council
  • Police can't have someone sign a piece of paper without telling what it is for
  • The Professor's system for winning at the roulette wheel: square the linear coefficient of cube root and raise to the power X invert the logarithms then add 7 plus 5 which is 11
  • 7 plus 5 which equals 12
  • Two glasses have equal amounts in them therefore they are the same as each other then if 2 people drink out of different glasses at the same time they are unequal and the ratio can no longer be equalized
  • Crooked gamblers booby trap their desks with an alarm
  • Babies take a lot of attention
  • A Simple Simon game is saying things to do and when you're simple you do that
  • 180 multiplied by 3 divided by 2 minus 7 is 263
  • Nobody can figure out in their head that 180 multiplied by 3 divided by 2 minus 7 is 263
  • If one stripped away all the tinsel of Christmas underneath you would find more tinsel
  • A motorcycle accident in a department store causes $320 in damage to the motorcycle, cloth and broken toys
  • A stretcher comes with a $20 carrying charge
  • Doctors charge $19.95 instead of the usual $20 during the holidays cause business picks up during the holidays
  • $19.95 is a better deal than $20
  • Doctors make house calls and carry a change dispenser
  • One fact about Christmas is that it is on December 25
  • A kid needs to be treated like a kid
  • Smile at pretty girls
  • When you're an adult you can do anything you want like putting the star on the Christmas tree
  • Christmas trees have evergreen branches
  • You can eat evergreen branches
  • Evergreen branches are a symbol of the well meaning goodness that bubbles up through mankind during Christmas and a constant reminder of the golden rule of doing onto others before they do unto you
  • In the old days when the meaning of Christmas was clear: men were men and boys were boys
  • If you want a tree for Christmas go out to the forest and cut one down
  • People in the old days cut down trees for Christmas cause they didn't have money to buy one
  • Christmas is peace and love for your fellow man
  • If you don't believe in the spirit of Christmas then it doesn't exist
  • Father Christmas is another name for Santa Claus
  • If you have sideburns don't dress in drag
  • Micky's Inn has concrete tile not grovel
  • Never let it be said that a princess didn't reward a favor
  • Worshipping a princess can get you into trouble
  • Stop dreaming about princesses when you are out of work
  • Magic lockets are made of tin and is junk
  • Never let it be said that a princess didn't reward a favor
  • Wing tip shoes can scale walls
  • Harold's castle is no place for a woman
  • If one gives up they all give up
  • Princess Gwen can't marry Peter cause it's Mike and he's already married to Phyllis
  • Mike and Phyllis have 2 kids
  • You must not drop or crush or lose a magic locket
  • Avon-On-Calling has a 10,000 strong army
  • Don't make waves
  • People would never kill a real princess
  • Live it up before your execution
  • Some people are not very good at riddles
  • Put swards away cause there's enough violence
  • Peasants have to use the service enterance
  • If you are going to fight with the magic locket you might as well do a dance to Spring
  • Being caught tresspassing on Knight Harrold's estate means execution
  • Knight Harold's castle is known as the castle that no one gets out of alive
  • Before being executed decide who will keep the goldfish
  • Little Red Riding Hood goes to her other grandmother's house
  • Goldilocks is a mean little girl
  • Papa bear liked Goldilocks and wanted her to stick around
  • Sweets make Gretel break out
  • The cow jumped over the moon
  • Sword fighting is men's work
  • Hooray for the good guys
  • Non-violent people arm wrestle instead of sword fighting
  • Be aware of people who take their shoes off after sitting down behind a desk
  • Don't dismiss the idea of alien abductions
  • Everyday there is increasing evidence of aliens on this planet
  • People blame their leaders for alien abductions while leaders blame people for alien abductions
  • The truth always lies beyond our reach and is often ugly
  • Aliens have infiltrated our society and mostly prey on the innocence of youth
  • Don't go unprepared to a gig
  • Today is not a good old day
  • Aliens have caused: riots, crime waves, drug addiction and unemployment
  • If you haven't ever seen an alien ship how do you know what one looks like ?
  • When recognizing a space alien never give anyone the benefit of the doubt especially a friend
  • The war is not those crazy kids fault cause they are doing all the fighting but mostly it's the alien's fault
  • Earth is going to become the pushover of the Universe
  • Earth needs to show the cosmos what it's made of
  • Aliens have all the human qualities of greed, anger, hate and powerful persuasive arguments
  • Often fights with aliens are carried out by citizens themselves
  • Nothing is scared to the aliens when aliens cast a spur in the feet that God created for humans
  • How to get an alien to talk: put them under the hot light & operate and switch the wires to find their truth tube
  • Aliens use increasing subtle means to carry out their orders
  • Phrases that have controlled whole generations: "Holy Kid", "Hey Daddio", "Sock it to me baby" and "Gort Veringa"
  • Don't sit on a control panel and move your butt around it
  • Be careful not to cut your hand on something sharp
  • Get out of a alien space ship if it is the last thing you do alive
  • If it weren't for the phrase "put your best foot forward": our entire society would be moving into the past instead of the future, shoe salesmen would find themselves bumping constantly into the back of chairs while trying to fit their customer's shoes, uptown would change to downtown with downtown being changed to "who-knows-where", people would not know whether they are coming or going, doctors will find themselves stuck against their back wall while trying to race out the door to get to their patients, plague & famine will spread over the land and chiropodists will be enlisted into the CIA
  • Chiropodists are people who treat feet aliments
  • It's not the kiss but the magic necklace
  • Check with the tower for ground clearance before taking off in a Count Dracula cape
  • Drinking tomato juice will help you get used to the drinking of red blood
  • The underground crypt at midnight at the height of the full moon is beautiful
  • All bats do is get into people's hair
  • To prove you are a mummy yell out "MUMMY" real loud
  • Someone saying they live by the water may mean the swamp
  • One kiss in order to have a rememberance
  • Count Dracula treats Wolfman like a dog
  • It's better to say sip your blood than drink your blood
  • Having a bat in the living room is a great conversation piece
  • Stop running around with vampires
  • Wear a turtle neck if you are around vampires
  • A great respect for fear means it scares you to death
  • Baracade yourself with furniture in front of the door if you come across a monster in a scary mansion
  • Count Dracula has low blood pressure
  • Count Dracula carries an eraser in his coat pocket
  • Count Dracula uses the underground crypt at midnight under the full moon
  • Count Dracula can control someone anytime simply by thinking about it
  • Don't bite someone on the neck to show your appreciation for saving them
  • New York went down the last time Count Dracula used the energizing switch in the underground crypt
  • A bone chisel is used to split
  • The Wolfman likes fire hydrants and hot dogs
  • The Wolfman has only gotten second billing in the movies he has made with Dracula
  • Two of the Wolfman's films are called "Dracula Leaves" and "Dracula Returns"
  • The Wolfman wants a better percentage of the profits, cookouts on weekends and the right to play his own music
  • You shouldn't go though a secret door in a weird house alone
  • Defeated monsters can't return for a thousand years
  • Special effects to show the Invisible Man is tiny wires attached to a book
  • Camera filters are a deck of cards in disguise
  • You can do card tricks with camera filters
  • Tooth pain can hurt
  • If you can't reach the controls for something use a cane
  • Machines aren't dangerous
  • Don't risk the lives of you and your men for just $200 ask for $250
  • Rock and roll appeals to monsters
  • The first day you forget to feed your pet back it goes
  • Frankie Frankenstein is not a good name for a singer- it doesn't even sound Italian
  • The doctor's beautiful daughter is in the sequel
  • Godfrey Von Schnitzler is the little boy who lives down the hill
  • Dr. Mandoza's electodes get into the brain seconds faster than aspirin
  • Dr. Mandoza's settings for taking music ability: have the coaxial knob to full, the input/ output level to whatever and the transfer ability to mellow
  • Breaking a mirror and saying "SHAZAM!" gives Captain Marvel another 7 years of bad luck
  • Don't pick it, it will never heal
  • Tune your instrument because you care
  • Season's change we stay the same
  • Don't quit just before the miracle
  • Age only matters if you're cheese
  • It's not about age, it's about life
  • The fish ate my furniture is an old Mariachi song
  • What I think is what I am
  • Eventualities eventually evalulate
  • Take a giant step outside your mind
  • You can tell the night is magic by the stars
  • Warn a cow before milking it
  • Summon the hogs in order to feed them by doing the "Suey Suey" thing
  • The milkman doesn't deliever in the country
  • Train all day so you're not number 2
  • Drinking lots of water keeps the sweat down
  • When you look into the eyes of a friend there's a feeling in your heart that will never end
  • Don't be scared and don't ya worry it's all right
  • Don't complain that your life is too short and hurry it along
  • People who care are mostly stainless steel
  • There's so much to do in the sunlight
  • Once in a while it's hard to remember to smile
  • The years roll by can start you listening
  • Forgive someone who seems preoccupied
  • Don't listen to Linda
  • It won't be the same with her
  • You can make it on just your looks
  • You don't know someone at all if you think their goals are trivial
  • You feel like a fool for making someone crawl back to you but they do it with such love
  • You feel such a sense of well being when problems come to be solved
  • Leave a trail of bread crumbs to find you way back
  • Follow the birds if they eat the trail of bread crumbs
  • Get a message out by carrier pigeon and sheep dog
  • Pay your rent after the landlord fixes the things he said he would fix
  • People like to pretend to be someone else
  • A neat murderer will cut the phone wires then tie them in a bow
  • If a bird is not a carrier pigeon it will have a note attached to its leg saying that it's not a carrier pigeon
  • Believe it only when you see it
  • Wear shoes to bed in scary mansions
  • Taking the microphones out of a phone, hooking them up to the amplifying grid on the tubes might send out a signal
  • If you don't speak the language say "yes I do"
  • There are books called: Twelve Walking Tours Through The Sahara, Beverly Hills On Five Shillings A Day, Uticia: City On The Move, Who's Whom On Ellis Island, Akron: The City Behind The Myth, Philadelphia: Where To Find It, A Teenager's Guide To Tijuana and South Dakota: Fact Or Fiction
  • A seance calls for silence
  • Spirits will knock 2 times for yes and 4 times for no
  • Gangster are sneaky, vicious mean type of people
  • Gangsters are like ordinary people only with tommy guns
  • If you're sore at a guy grab him by the collar and say "so's your old man", "get lost", "hey you're pretty good", "ok ok" and "you got it already"
  • A contempt of court can get you out of a conviction for arson, assult with a deadly weapon and second degree murder
  • The boss says what goes cause he's the boss
  • A tough customer is Mugsy Ruc (alias Mugsy Renoylds, Mugsy Raymond and Kissing Clyde)
  • Cool it
  • Hide the goods in the same place you stole them from cause nobody would think of looking there
  • Everytime a cop sees a home with its lights on and no one is supposed to be home means he can sell Policeman Ball tickets
  • Police will give some of the recovered loot as a reward for helping catch some criminals
  • If you going to impersonate someone you have to learn all their mannerisms
  • It's very unbusiness like to kidnap a choir instead of just a quartet
  • Get people to leave by playing "Pennies From Heaven" on the jukebox and Honey & the Bear singing protest music
  • Gary Cooper, not being Chinese, is a way to tell you are being followed by Chinese spies
  • Make sure that you are at the right place before barging into a place while doing a phony kidnapping
  • April is the cruelest month
  • England swings like a pendulum ball
  • Ask someone if they want to go to a party instead of scaring them into attending the party and getting them out of bed
  • After making a point say "How do you like them apples"
  • Not everybody likes surprise parties or Christmas
  • You can dig yourself out of jail
  • First escape from jail then play baseball
  • Cover up the sound of digging by playing music
  • Make hay while the sun shines
  • When looking for someone in a pile of straw a pitchfork works best
  • Pitching hay makes you feel like a farmer
  • The World is not black or white but shades of gray
  • When the World and I were young it was easy to tell: weak from strong, when to stand & fight or just go along, the truth from lies, who to love & who to hate, the foolish from the wise, what was fair, when to keep & when to share and how much to protect your heart & how much to care
  • Settle down and stay with the man who loves you
  • Post warning signs when digging a hole
  • Due to a lack of interest tomorrow is canceled
  • Eat spahgetti on the floor wearing rubber gloves
  • Scrub up
  • Cross at the green not in between
  • Don't believe a scientist's pills are asprin
  • Don'call a scientist "mad"
  • If you get too close to the sun your wings will melt
  • Cheese can get stuck in the throat and you can't sing well
  • All beliefs possibly could be said to be the result of some conditioning
  • The study of history is simply the study of one system of beliefs deposing another
  • The mind is unable to disern between the real and the vividly imagined experience
  • Life is like a cartoon movie and being with you makes it groovy
  • Feed the chickens to the cows
  • Milk the chickens
  • Plow the cow
  • Feed the South 40
  • Make the best out of a bad situation
  • Villagers come looking for warewolves with torches
  • Wear a helmet while in a foxhole
  • The dance in France is mainly in the stance
  • The mind is a terrible thing to freak
  • The drawbridge will lower if you can answer the riddle
  • The Devil is a lousy house guest
  • People can be pretty tough with a fist in their hand
  • You know it's working when you saw the last scene
  • Carry mad money in your shoe attached with some masking tape
  • A Rorschach ink blot tests reveal pictures that look like: a bunny & a chicken, a bunch of flowers, a tomato katsup stain and a bunch of birds dancing
  • You go to the mental problem specialist if you have a mental problem
  • Don't interfere with a psychiatrist giving a Rorschach test
  • Ship strange fans to the Beatles
  • A machine doesn't have friends
  • Don't ask the Monkees to help do the chores on a farm
  • A farmer is a carryover of skills from being a brain surgeon
  • Pop's Circus is on the way from France to Belgium
  • You get the idea that you are short by people who are taller than you
  • Taking little metal bottle tops and nailing them to your living room floor will give you the impression that you are walking upon little metal bottle tops
  • Fashion magazines observe that neck lines are plunging lower every year, this year the V will go down to the tummy in something of a "peek-a-boo" effect and get into the swing of fashions & have your own "naval observatory"
  • Dogs are nice- you can pet them, love them, take fleas off of them & put fleas back on them and they can play with cats
  • You got to learn to be a good loser
  • Losing can make you sick to your stomach
  • You can spot a milionaire by watching a lot of "What's My Line"
  • The symbol of good always wins
  • The lead in a television series always wins
  • Wipe up a spill of a broken whiskey bottle with a sponge
  • When talking shut off your motorcycle engine cause people can't hear you
  • An order is a bagel with cream cheese and cream soda
  • Another name for a john/ bathroom is the comfort room
  • People look weird with just a sheet on
  • Staying true to yourself no matter what is the real freedom
  • New York, New York is a wonderful town where the Bronx is up and the battery is down
  • The World's gone to pot- no one can tell who is who since boys wear long hair
  • The Mugumba dance is: stick one hand up in the air then stick up your other hand up in the air then you get held up with a gun
  • The Kidnap dance is: dancing around while kidnappers are trying to tie people up with rope
  • The hippie movement is dead- it was buried in San Francisco and replaced by free men
  • People wearing beads, long hair and flowers aren't hippies anymore but free people
  • If you wear beads you're a hippy
  • When the hippy movement comes up with something vital, intelligent and interesting to say the establishment takes it over
  • There are countries called Harmonica, Moldavia and Belgravia
  • Everybody's got soul
  • White soul is accented on the first and third beats while black soul is accented on the second and fourth beats
  • A good example of white soul is Ringo Starr
  • A good example of black soul is the Motown sound
  • Swing it and it's soul
  • When you get home you feed your dog, take a bath and set your hair
  • Time your episodes better
  • Write on your chair "Lauren St. David" when you don't want anyone to recognize you
  • A camera filter that looks like it has a "K" in it is the symbol for a transistor
  • If you are refused service in a restaurant because of your hair length: invoke your Constitutional rights, invoke The Civil Rights Act or leave
  • The "Here We Come Again" tag is some sort of complete laugh riot to make you tune in next week
  • A cop can take you alive without his whistle
  • Honor someone with a walk across your spine
  • Norway declared war on Sweeden
  • Wing tubbies frolic near the power steering
  • You can't go on without chow mein and bowling
  • Tape nalmac plates to your forehead
  • You can sing with your feet
  • "Hamlet" is about a Danish prince
  • Tarzan gets more girls by swinging on a rope and picking them up
  • A real man is Tarzan
  • Don't be glum at a party
  • Well then fake it
  • Milk needs cookies
  • The only way to sell a vacuum is with demostrations
  • You can revitalize the Republican Party with pretty girls, a lot of dancing, music and a few hor'dourves
  • Never mind the furthermore the plea is self-defense
  • China Clipper calls Alamedia
  • Page Mr. Dobolina, Mr. Bob Dobolina
  • People are intending
  • Shanghi is a far mystical city
  • You spell monkey with a "y" not with to "e" 's
  • If you give a man a fish he'll eat but a day but if you teach him to fish he'll eat for a lifetime
  • There's nothing worse than being spied on in the bathroom
  • The old mirror trick is opening a mirror cabinet
  • Police brutality is when a policeman puts a hand on you during questioning
  • Policemen do a striptease act in a bathroom
  • Nobody can make it through an intense bombardment
  • Coke withdrawl can induce paranoid delusions and skitzophrenia
  • Things go better with Coke
  • Destroy Coke machines when they are empty and you're thirsty walking around in the desert
  • Supernatural perhaps balogna perhaps not
  • Having your picture taken is for life
  • W A R spells "War"
  • Bet money that a woman will jump off a ledge
  • Don't be rude
  • You get nasty evil thoughts like Captain Crocadile
  • Some thing doesn't change, there is only one
  • Those who know it use it and those who scorn it die
  • To sing that you can dig it is to make your soul to fly to heaven
  • Never bypass an archduke with a tray of champagne glasses
  • Sword fights always worked for Errol Flynn
  • Don't play with toys that burn, bash, scratch or go boom
  • Protect someone's interests by exposing your money hungry relative
  • You can try to bribe your way out of a room
  • How to get out of a room while being held by kidnappers: lower yourself down to the ground with sheets, use a roll of pennies as brass knuckles and threaten damage with a bottle of "nitroglycerin"
  • American teenagers are very agressive
  • People record their will on a record
  • Take the airport freeway if you're headed for Manchester, England
  • Tuesday feels more like Monday night
  • The floor has nothing to say
  • Texas ranchers want statehood for their ranch and hate to resort to forgery to get it
  • Don't forget to free the serfs
  • A safe place is not in a woman's cleavage
  • Houston is the name of a Texas ranch
  • A sheik and his wives find the theater immoral
  • Commodore DeWitt is still alive
  • Show up for the showdown despite the odds
  • Change your tune with a tune pipe
  • Use "pretty please" instead of "we humbly request" on a peace treaty
  • The dove is the bird of peace
  • It gets lonesome in the hills
  • Don't ask what "kemosabe" means
  • The Henry Cabot Lodge And Cemetery slogan is "If you're dying to have a good time see us"
  • The old badger game is being broke and grovel like slaves in the slums of Henry Cabot Lodge And Cemetary
  • Employers should demand that their employees get to work
  • Get dust off your clothes after a long motocycle ride with a vacuum
  • Use a broom to get the dust off your clothes from a filthy old vacuum
  • A thing of beauty to behold is like a merigold
  • A jug of bread, loaf of wine and thou sit beside me in the wilderness
  • The Black Angels biker gang had a massacre at Pismo Beach
  • Bikers just want to hurt someone
  • Don't cry with clean hands
  • Show you're tough by karate chopping a wood table
  • An immediate course of action is to leave
  • The Best Riders contest winner gets to destroy everything in sight
  • That tears it
  • Hired guys have their price on a board above their heads
  • "Hook up" doesn't mean to just go see the gang but rather to join the gang
  • Maintenance men don't come short
  • If you are short a nickel or a dollar you can owe it to the person
  • Taking someone's hand gives you a feeling of security
  • Rich kids like to go shopping
  • Shut up or be paved
  • Defending someone's honor is groovy
  • Observations about America's Western shores: clothing if it is worn at all is to the barest needs, food is prepared in outdoor ovens, everywhere there are palm trees and there is an unmistakable similarity of restaurants
  • Buy an oversized sports jacket cause it saves money on the pants
  • A Simple Simon game is saying things to do and when you're simple you do that
  • A fantasy sequence is where you romp around, jump, do funny things, have no interuptions, can do anything you want and is set to music
  • People don't want to see magicians they want to see reality as it is shown to them on TV
  • You can buy a priceless Monkey's Paw for a quarter
  • No peddlers are allowed in night clubs
  • If you are hungry enough eat rope
  • "Go toe sock it to me" is a pun
  • Try reciting the Gettysburg Address to regain your voice
  • The Taj Mahal would make a lovely movie palace
  • There's no need to get hostile
  • You can forget how to talk in 12 hours
  • There's no audience identification to a fuzzy haired mute harpist, an Italian with a weird looking felt hat and another guy with a long nose & a smelly cigar
  • Banging on a gong three times in order to get the person to talk works in police stations all over the World
  • Observations about a Monkey's Paw: sell it to someone real nasty in order to break its spell, has very special powers and does magic tricks
  • The Devil has a red phone Hot Line
  • A harp takes up too much room
  • The odd finger wins
  • Billy The Kid entered his contract with the Devil in 1882 in exchange for being the best gunslinger in the West
  • Blackbeard The Pirate is the scourage of the seas
  • Attila The Hun is a corporative witness
  • Playing "I Wanna Be Free" on the harp can make people cry
  • Judge Roy Bean is the hanging judge
  • Judge Roy Bean's court doesn't read
  • People don't claim their instruments at a pawn shop cause musicians are here today then gone tomorrow
  • Play now and pay later is sort of like consignment
  • No one loves things anymore
  • A soul is a man's heart or spirit
  • People can not survive without a soul
  • No one can live without love
  • People love the music that comes from the harp
  • Beautiful music comes from beautiful harps
  • Nobody was ever an overnight success
  • There's always a hitch
  • Innocence is at a premium
  • Money is unimportant
  • The Devil arrives to collect souls at 8PM instead of midnight in order to beat the cross town traffic
  • Hell is scary and even scarier is that you can't say "cuckoo" on television
  • Hell can't be that bad- all that stuff you read couldn't be true
  • People always talk about the fires down below but you don't burn all you feel is a sense of depression
  • When the Devil comes to collect souls the sky turns red
  • The Devil has a cool diabolical mind
  • Young people should just accept the Devil and be done with it
  • The Devil has many clients like Billy The Kid, Attila The Hun and Blackbeard the Pirate
  • Speak your peace or it's going to be your last
  • "Mr. Kid" is a figure of speech
  • Billy the Kid got his name cause he doesn't kid
  • Don't antagonize the jury of 12 condemed men from Devil's Island
  • Ask for a continuance cause the television show isn't over and you need a little more
  • Young sailors have the swell of the ocean in their veins, the rocking motion of the waves and fresh strong sea air
  • Rough seas make rough men
  • Interrogate a witness like Spencer Tracy did in the movie "Inherit The Wind"
  • The defense rests until they think of something else
  • It's all part of the show
  • The Bible has been on the bestseller list for many years
  • Run the movie about the Bible with 3 hours of glorious color on a wide screen with stereo sound and popcorn
  • A Salesman always wears a smile, sails high and sells copper kettles with different kinds of tin
  • An absolute rutter is sabotaging a race car driver's vehicle
  • Expieriment with knock out pills
  • Tea is a drink
  • Genuine London mist smells like Liverpool and also comes in roll-on
  • Knock out gas smells like Manchester
  • You can't hear people or breathe very well wearing a gas mask
  • The Klutzmobile will be on the lips of every car buyer
  • People will tell their friends about the Klutzmobile
  • The name Klutzmobile will be known through out the country and the World after it wins the race
  • Learn to accept things that are different
  • To be in the Klutz garage you have go to be a klutz
  • You gotta have the gun after all it's a prop
  • You can't enter a car race without a car
  • The Monkeembile is a car
  • Even if you have wealth and position it hard for a shy guy to find a bride
  • There's no sense in beating around the bush
  • You can use a mask or fake mustache to disguise your identity
  • Being offered $1000 for information for treason is a nausiating proposition
  • A tuning fork has its key written right on it
  • Tune a car to B flat
  • Carrying around a tuning fork is violent enough
  • Periscope remembers the joy of blowing up a ship
  • Be careful not to stand on someone's foot
  • Car mechanics have the strangest techniques
  • Having part of your car's engine blown up makes the car lighter and it can go faster
  • Sterner measures means to hit and kick someone
  • A fixed car is no use without someone to drive it
  • The Yankees haven't made a good trade since they won the pennant in 1964
  • Keep hostages as long as they are useful to you
  • Shoot one person when the starting gun goes off for the start of the race then shoot the other person after the race when the noise and excitement will drown out the gun shot
  • Rip the phone book from the beginning to Ted Braverman if you're a little high
  • Put car engine together with some needle & thread, glue, clay, a Band-aid or a spit on your finger
  • If you are gagged too long it's hard to breathe
  • Release a spare tire while going down on a hill so your opponent will have an accident trying to swerve around it
  • Don't get caught with your pants down at the end of a race
  • If you hear the plan first then you would be more willing to corporate
  • When in doubt do the old Monkees scare
  • The Monkees scare is a groovy bit
  • There's always a tall heavy guy and a short heavy guy
  • The Johnny Carson Show is a half hour commercial
  • You can buy either half of North America and all of Tazmania or vice versa
  • Be quiet when hunting vegetables
  • Walls can be disconnected
  • Spirits have answering services
  • Don't marry just to get out of an arranged marriage
  • Don't run in a cemetery
  • Visiting a cemetery is a great place to contemplate life
  • There is no difference between asking for the secret microfilm or the secret apple
  • Ducking into a building while being chased doesn't always work
  • Use a bicycle, motorbike or a flat bed truck to get away when being chased by a mob
  • You can climb the Eiffel Tower
  • Don't fall off the Eiffel Tower while climbing it
  • Ways to get to England without going as airline passengers: a canoe, dog sled, hot air balloon and mummy case
  • Mummys are marvelous to have around the house
  • Do be seated after being told to be seated
  • You can hide liquor in many places in a car
  • The radio being full is all that matters
  • Everybody got bombed during the war
  • You can make all your money at the Medieval Fair by betting on the Grand Championship
  • The Grand Championship consists of 3 contests: jousting, dueling and mace & chain
  • Mace & chain go together
  • The winner of two out of the three contests wins the Grand Championship
  • The choice of contests for the Grand Championship is up to the people present at the Medieval Fair that's the way it was founded and that's the way it should be
  • The Medieval Fair started in 1500
  • 50,000 pounds is a bit heavy
  • Take a sword to go fight for your honor and the manor in that order
  • "Greensleaves" is that old rendition of the famous standard that warmed your heart so many years ago and that famous rendition of the famous folk song that warmed your heart so many years ago on those cold Winter nights as you sat listening to the rain falling
  • You must submit to exploitation when in a music contest
  • If you need money don't act like you need money
  • Accept contest winnings in either small bills, a check or small currency
  • Mixed groups means boys & girls not basses & baritones, peas & carrots or Republicans & Democrats
  • Women are nothing but a rag, bone and a hank of hair
  • A bone doesn't go with a drag outfit
  • A tie in a music contest means both groups will be back tomorrow night for the battle of the sounds
  • It's hard to stay home on a beautiful moonlight Saturday night
  • After years of lonely searching nothing can ever part you from your soulmate
  • Lessons on how to act like a feminine woman: all females must walk with small delicate steps, when a female walks from North to South her hips must move from East to West and a female must glide like a swan when she walks with her head erect & motionless
  • Learn to walk with small steps by tying a rope around the calf of each leg leaving a small amount of the rope between the feet
  • A small loud bell will teach a girl how to walk from North to South with her hips moving from East to West
  • Use a frying pan if you don't have a small loud bell to teach someone how to walk from North to South with their hips moving from East to West
  • Use the largest & heaviest book you can to teach someonme how to walk with their head erect & motionless
  • When you gotta go you gotta go
  • Frank Zappa's soul in music is on the 1 & 7 sometimes on the 3 & 5
  • The soul of the Monkees music lies somewhere between the 1 & a half, the two & a half, the three and three quarters and the giant C major on the piano
  • A mentalist has long nails, a monocle, hypnotizing potion, a cigarette in a cigarette holder and psychic slaves
  • It must be something about the way people say that someone has "dishonesty, cowardness and a genuine lack of scruples"
  • Don't doubt your master's voice
  • Psychic slaves have perfect timing
  • Levitation involves someone off stage pulling a rope
  • You can be impervious to pain if you have someone jam their unlit red hot cigarette into your palm
  • Be sure to get the age of the person before you tell them about their future
  • You can guess the correct number of fingers someone is holding up from behind you by having someone off stage tell you the number
  • The great Oraculo: lives down the alley, is the World's leading mentalist, never fails and makes good tea
  • Keep your mouth shut if you are under a spell
  • Experimental psychology sounds complicated but it's not
  • Experimental psychology involves hitting the person with a mallet
  • Ways to get someone's mind from being controlled by a mentalist: saw them in half, perform a seance, have some pretty girls kiss them, have Tarzan squeeze their hand, dunk their head in a bowl of water, turn them into Mr. Schneider & carry him out of the House of Mysteries
  • You can break a mentalist's spell by slapping the person's face
  • You can learn the Dewey Decimal System by reading mystic maps & charts and every book in the public library
  • There's no such thing as having too many dogs
  • It doesn't matter what you do in your act as along as you are in show business and the audience likes your act
  • Wizard Glick wants to conrol the minds of millions by using a Frodis and Adolf Hitler like persuasive voice
  • You know it's 0800 hours when you can't move
  • Federal rule WW3 paragraph 37 prevents people from using any public phone booth from changing into or out of secret identifies
  • If you don't change into secret identifies the entire television viewing audience is doomed
  • The magnetic power switch is dangerous, has high voltage and has no admittance
  • To kill a 2 headed Org: jump up & down three times, roll a head of cabbage and giggle
  • Ways to get people to look at a TV monitor: set a pile of money & food on the floor, follow the person from behind so when the person turns abound they see the TV and jump out in front of the person with a TV
  • Make sure the TV is working when want to jump out in front of someone in order to force them to look at the monitor
  • Mental telepathy is the psychedelic stuff that all the rock music groups are doing
  • Use a coat rack to keep a comatose person from falling on the floor
  • A Frodis must get back to it's spaceship to recharge it's Frodis energy and use all the Frodis power to undo all the evil that has done
  • A Frodis is a large plant with one big eye, is friendly and can control the minds of the TV viewing audience
  • Don't fight anymore- lay down in the grass and be cool
  • If you have got a reason to be sad, help is on its way
  • Be a little bit stronger and wait a little bit longer cause help is on its way
  • You don't have to live with yesterday
  • The peace of the early morning brings a World of growing things
  • People come and people go
  • Movin' fast and movin' slow
  • Do it all over again if you didn't do it right the first time
  • It takes much more to be someone of your own
  • You've got to make it free from Auntie Grizelda or just like her you'll have to make it alone
  • The road is long and the road is tough
  • Memories from the past can turn thoughts around in a different way
  • Stay away from her cause she'll only make you sad someday, bring you down and only make you lonely
  • It's too easy to hum songs to a girl in yellow dress
  • A valet reminds people of a penguin with few and plastered hair
  • A distant night bird mocks the sun
  • Happiness is all rolled up in you
  • Everyday holds wonders to be seen
  • The way to go is easy to see
  • Yield before the wisdom of a child
  • You're better off alone after someone's brakes your heart
  • You'll see a rainbow everyday
  • The sun will shine in every way
  • No need to worry when love comes knockin' at your door
  • When love comes knockin' at your door just open up and let 'im in
  • Every face wrapped in up in frowns can get you down
  • She can teach you a thing or two
  • Keep an eye on your sister
  • She hangs out everynight and everyday
  • What's the use of trying all you get is pain
  • When you need sunshine all you get is rain
  • Love is more or less a giving thing
  • Laugh when the music is funny, when you lose all your money, when you can't find your shoes to cover your feet and when you go to a party & can't tell the boys from the girls
  • You got to have love to love
  • Be good on the good Earth
  • Listen to the band
  • Do it in the name of love
  • What used to come as four now comes as one
  • Don't call on someone when you feel footloose and fancy free
  • You won't be the same without her
  • You can catch all the members of the Purple Flower Gang by going from flower to flower to flower
  • You can inflate car tires with your own breath
  • You can make someone think they have a 24 hour virus but putting pepper on their jacket
  • If you don't want the person to leave a room use a chain link secured to a large chair
  • Talk to a doctor about defecting
  • True love can strike at anytime
  • Attach a threatening note to a rock and throw it through the window
  • An ad for a glass factory comes wrapped around a rock thrown through the window
  • One does not have a choice in El Monotono, Mexico
  • Make the World shine
  • No smoking or street clothes beyong this point
  • In case of fire- run
  • A grown bush can talk and cry
  • Slap people on the cheek you don't like
  • People won't come to an Irving Class Music Publishers
  • Get $100 for legal fees and incidentials and you got it made as a songwriter
  • Show some initiative
  • Remember people when you are rich and famous but not their names
  • It takes 3 people to tune one piano- on person fixes the black keys, one person fixes the white keys and one person fixes the cracks inbetween
  • Piano tuners belong to a tough union
  • "Gonna Buy Me A Dog" is: a ballod, a great song, a bouncy tune, will be in the latest Joanie Jans movie and a smash if it would be in a movie
  • Joanie Jans needs a song about a dog for her latest movie because she is playing the part of a dog lover
  • Vampires get emotionally involved by actually biting an actresses on the neck during a scene
  • James Cagney is inevitable
  • Don't take things lying down
  • If you don't like it paint it red
  • Have your autograph ghost written
  • People always fawn
  • A low budget picture includes Elizabeth Taylor, Gregory Peck, Doris Day, Sonny Tuffs and Joanie Jans
  • Don't sign an exclusive contract with Mammouth Studios for less than $200
  • Don't keep a media mogul off his own studio lot
  • Keep the phone lines clear for phone calls about a media mogul latest production
  • Use a small broom to keep dust amd dirt off someone's clothes
  • Make a point to someone as you leave by lightly tapping their chin
  • A straight line goes around the World and comes back to the same place
  • Do not fight each other out of anger
  • Hillbillies give you a multiple choice of where to be shot- the head or the belly
  • Hillbillies hate strangers
  • Hillbillies kill innoscent bystanders first
  • Hillbillies have a habit of spiting on the floor
  • Hillbillies have lots of cousins
  • Hate and vengence can keep you young
  • You can make a nice dry English gin out of Davy
  • A vat is where you make moonshine
  • You can play a pig and garbage
  • The laundry moves because you use a lot of starch
  • You can't play your nose very well with a cheap loaner
  • Call a caterer if your friend is getting married in a few hours
  • A little more won't hurt at all
  • You can end a hillbilly furd by joining the 2 families thru marriage
  • Dear occupant gets letters because of their unusual taste and achievement for selection of an exclusive offer from High Class Music Publishers
  • America had its foot tapping to the tunes "I'll never stop loving Louisa", "I'll never stop kissing Lucille" and "I'm all curled up apart"
  • "You got that run down feeling" was a recent hit
  • Music contest judges like Beethoven's 5th Symphony
  • All it takes to be famous is to have your clothes ripped off
  • Keep the city clean by not littering
  • Musicians can't read
  • Guards only leave their post if they see someone littering and percieve a bomb threat
  • Duels can't be postponed due to lots of traffic
  • There is something funny about the gas prices: gas is 25-35 cents per gallon higher, just a few years ago there was a fear of having no more oil & gas on the planet, you had to wait 7-8 hours in line for gas while gas stations were only open for 4 hours a day then suddenly there was plenty of gas & oil but the prices didn't go down
  • People want comedy and music not social commentary
  • Art Reminants, Inc. have deals on Picasso paintings by marking down the price on the actual painting
  • Elvis Drugs were made for parents who forget to take their drugs cause they're older & forgetful
  • Running around in the World is a bitch
  • The Neighborhood Nuclear Superiority (NNS) inflames natural paranoia and reinforce a person's territorial imperative
  • Don't drop a nuclear warhead
  • The curious folks at NNS have a weapon that's right for your family
  • 5 Second Theater has a six part installment of "30 Seconds Over Tokyo"
  • Don't sit next to toxic waste
  • Clardastine Typing Service doesn't type reports
  • The wind is in the buffalo
  • Cole Porter wrote the song "Night And Day"
  • Cole Porter was born in Peru, Indiana and in the 20-30's became the toast of the European continent
  • The inspiration for the Cole Porter song "You're The Tops" came from Porter meeting Ghandi
  • A lot of people have breakdowns in the desert
  • Man is a hunter and always will be
  • Time travel smells like broccoli
  • The Dead Ranger's Time Field is the last place for gas
  • The Large Detroit Car Company (LDCC) are not just hoping consumers are dumb they're betting on it
  • Milage may depend on the position of the driver
  • At the LDCC: people have a lack of care, little or no craftmanship, plastic emblems that fall off and faulty engineering
  • A really bad car doesn't just happen it starts with an incredible dumb design
  • Crude is oil
  • If you don't have money to pay an assayer then pay him in crude oil
  • There are reasonable limits to everything
  • There's more than one way to skin a champ
  • The Boxing Commission wants to make sure fights are on the up and up
  • Cynarno composed poems while dueling and had trouble talking to girls
  • Help a princess from being killed by her money hungry uncle
  • Machines better ensure job application results
  • You can get in trouble with your landlord for having a dog or a horse without his approval
  • Brazil is nice
  • Mr. Schneider is not fire wood
  • Help the police catch a gangster that you look like
  • Write down instructions on paper if they don't understand them verberally
  • Monk the cookie
  • Baste the turkey
  • Cook the cookie
  • Dance costumes are expensive
  • You can't get a retraction from fashion magazines
  • You can find out from reading the paper about Duchess Bettina Of Harmonica's visit to America, Lester Crabtree's visit to local discoquete, Babyface Morales' exploits, Prince Ludlow's marriage, the Black Angels' massacre at Pismo Beach and the Monkees' new harp
  • Prison search lights are useless in the daytime
  • The big man will come when he's ready
  • A genie is on another show
  • Initiation into a bambito's camp include tests of skill, strength and determination
  • If you fail in your initiation into a bambito's camp you will be knifed, shot, poison and killed
  • You can trick your landlord into helping at your parties
  • You can't get into the pad without a reservation
  • Don't go on after the 4 Swine perform
  • Underneath their seemingly hard exterior the 4 Swine are four decent guys
  • Wash your socks in a drink shaker
  • Being revered by a small minority is better than being rich & famous
  • Without publicity no one will hear of you
  • Kidnappers are very behind in their schedule during their busy season
  • Kidnappers busy season is just before the holidays
  • Kidnappers are busy with exchanges after the holidays
  • To kidnap 38 people costs $19,400
  • There's nothing to those crazy dances it's just rhythm
  • Try to overcome many obstacles in order to remain in a music contest
  • "In a moment the results of the contest" really means "We'll be right back after the commercial"
  • Spies use a tie pin that contains a pill to take when in the event you are being tortured beyond endourance and after 30 seconds will make your breath kissing sweet
  • Spies use a special cigarette lighter that contains a miniturized Japenese camera and has it's own miniturized Japanese cameraman
  • Be careful not to scorch the miniturized Japanese cameraman in your special cigarette lighter that contains a small miniturized Japanese camera and has it's own miniturized Japanese cameraman
  • Spies use a miniturized tape recorder inside a cuff link and can record in stereo if they use 2 cuff links
  • In hand to hand combat the basic weapon is the back of your hand
  • Spies need to be familiar with small arms
  • Honey And The Bear are a famous folk singing duo
  • Demostrations are the only way to sell a vacuuum
  • Advice for young spies just starting out: be underhanded and dishonest
  • If you are impatient grow daffodils
  • American teenagers dance by following each other steps
  • Don't steal $1.90
  • There's nothing to spying after you have seen every spy movie ever made
  • Levenworth is nice
  • Have discussions white riding around on a unicycle
  • Don't be late for mess
  • It takes 4 takes to get a spy confession
  • Don't bump into table number 2
  • Lanolin won't upset your stomach
  • Decorate with a few gernamiums
  • It's stupid for four guys to moon over the same girl
  • Be grown up about four guys liking the same girl
  • Don't let a chick ruin a friendship
  • Painting is a drag cause it gets into your nostrils, toenails and ears
  • Motorcycles are horrible
  • 4 equal parts is a joke
  • Boxers do a lot of roadwork
  • If you are a skydiver, afraid of airplnes and can't dive then jump in your living room and land your parachute on the couch
  • Don't let your laundry mat's washer and dryer shrink Wally Cox's shirt
  • Take the buttons off your shirt if they keep coming back from the laundry missing
  • April's Laundrymat can not be responsible for loss or damage, has 18 minute washers, charges 20 cents for one wash load and does not allow tinting or dyeing products in washers
  • Washers take 2 dimes and slide them slowly into the machine
  • If the washer's red light goes on, raise the lid, redistribute the clothes evenly, close lid and repeat if buzzer sounds again
  • Use 1/2 cup of soap to get clothes clean and save money
  • Do not wrap clothes around the center post instead drop clothes loosely and evenly
  • Clothes lines are for the birds
  • Laundry is a science like astronomy and physics
  • There is a whole World of untapped dirt
  • We conquer this World of untapped dirt in the washer
  • Add bleach to a washer after water has covered the clothes
  • Doctors can't work on their own thesis
  • Tea leaves can tell if: you are going to come down with a 24 virus, get a flat tire and leave your friends
  • You can enter a music/ variety contest without actually signing up for it
  • You can't judge a book by looking at the cover
  • You can't judge an apple by looking at the tree
  • You can't judge a honey by looking at the bee
  • You can't judge a daughter by looking at the mother
  • You can't judge sugar by looking at the pan
  • You can't judge a woman by looking at her man
  • You can't judge one by looking at the other
  • You can't judge a fish by looking in the pond
  • You can't judge right by looking at the wrong
  • An Italian Army only surrenders to Americanos
  • Lifetime dance contracts come with an option for renewal and have a series B
  • Magic glasses can make you disappear and you can see under clothing
  • Use a safe as a desk if you accidentally blow up the desk
  • Getting some air means you are going to throw-up
  • Ways to cheer someone up: suggest going bowling, suggest going to the store, suggest going to a movie, comment about their good posture and doing impressions
  • Always count money you get from people so it's all there
  • Old ladies carry everything in their bag
  • It's against Monkees law to witness returns
  • You need to force fluids if someone has a cold
  • You can drown someone with gallons of tea
  • Old ladies hit people real hard with their umbrella
  • Cough when you are scared
  • Stand when you meet the general
  • Cars have to kept in shape
  • Ice Cream men will offer you vanilla, chololate, postachio, tutti frutti and the shirt off his back
  • People having their picture constantly being taken must be a celebrity
  • You can't just go fritting your life away
  • Be honest about your wealth
  • People like to get celebrity autographs even if they don't know the name of the celebrity
  • Luggage being too much underweight is a problem for airlines
  • Don't let the stewardess see you carry on extra baggage on a airplane
  • 10A is on the wing
  • Be careful about clapping your hands while wearing big rings
  • A Secretary Of State uses $6 to modernize the navy, are cute, are ruthless, are vicious, are power hungry, wouldn't hurt a fly and can cut 30% off the budget
  • Keep you mouth shut about everything being thrown at you except the kitchen sink
  • An offer is always good
  • Nice neighbors will make extra food when they cook to share with you
  • People faint at the sight of a horse in the pad and seeing Dr. Mann
  • Use water to revive someone who has fainted
  • "I Married A Creature From Outta Town" will be: a cinema masterpiece, shows the silence, pain & cruelty of all that makes life worth wild and a message picture
  • The message for the picture "I Married A Creature From Outta Town" is if you don't finish it in 10 days you're in trouble
  • It pays $30 a day to be an extra in a beach movie
  • Perfect teenagers can't sing, act or surf
  • There's an album called "Bobby Darin Sings His Bankbook"
  • Strike back if someone insults you
  • Use a tin can to get an echo effect while speaking into a microphone
  • 3 little words a guy wants to hear from a girl that he is crazy about: you're under arrest
  • 2 people so meant for each other love the same books, music and people
  • Save someone from himself when stardom goes to his head
  • Stars have a good side
  • Waiters are perfect for the role of the prince
  • It's been lonesome in the saddle since my horse died
  • Don't look a gift horse in the mouth
  • Don't strain so much to blow a horn that you fall down
  • If your room is not ready wait in the bar
  • There's more than one producer in New York willing to take a chance on a play written by an unknown, a play directed by an unknown and starring the Monkees
  • Take clean socks when packing to leave
  • Check out the Millionaire's Club first before decide to join
  • Pay your room service bill by working at the hotel
  • An important principle in throwing someone out of their hotel room is a rabbit breaders convention
  • Laugh kills lonesome
  • Never tell a woman yes
  • Don't be a steppin' stone
  • Leaving is strickly bad news
  • You won't be the same without her
  • You can see your life a little bit clearer through the looking glass
  • When someone breaks your heart you cry your eyes red
  • Falling in love is strickly bad news
  • You rather be dead before falling in love again
  • You can drive your pink Eldorado Cadallic to the Moon
  • Start tryin'
  • Hollywood is a cruel town
  • A steam engine moves just a litle too fast
  • Imitation is the sincereist form of flattery
  • Look for love and a new day
  • Try everything to stop but there's no denying
  • Falling in love with you girl is just like dying
  • A ragtime band is blowing in the breeze
  • Midnight looks right standing more at ease
  • Silhouettes and figures stay close to what you had to say
  • The faded dream is saddened by the news
  • The good times start and end without dollar one to spend
  • Did you know: the water's turning yellow, the sky was falling down, that guy fell out the window and the circus was in town
  • A woman's work is never done
  • Although the road is dark and you might fail to find the end you won't disappear
  • The poster said "The circus is coming to town"
  • Get your tickets now, before it's too late
  • Love is blue-eyed and blonde
  • When you're away the image of your face is clear
  • True love always seems to take a little bit longer
  • Don't wait for me I'll be a long time comin'
  • With the music of life, your soul is out of tune
  • Don't feel like you're growing old much too soon
  • Let it show if you dig it
  • Go down to Cripple Creek to have some fun
  • Each time that you give your heart to someone new they just turn it blue
  • This time is your time and your time is all the time I have to be with you
  • Runnin' never was much fun- all it did was bring you down
  • Chasin' round isn't where it's at
  • Tension puts you in the ground
  • Life was meant for movin' slow
  • You can share it all
  • There's a way for you and I if you'll just stay
  • Love is just a game that's played in fun but not too real and not too real to take a chance on finding out
  • Watch your feet while crossing the street or you'll die in a thunderbird light
  • You're taunted by the power that you really don't want anymore
  • Time and time again naughty girls get you in trouble when you fly too high
  • Love is the key to your happiness that you let slip away
  • Instead of striving to reach the goals in life you got distracted with mean endless games
  • For just an illusion you traded love that was real
  • Be patient you've waited this long
  • There's more to life than you've been living
  • When you share it all you'll find the things you thought you couldn't get
  • There's things to do that you ain't thought of yet
  • In every little town and village too somewhere in the neighborhood you'll find a Ladies Aid Society
  • Questions need an answer or a vaccuum will appear
  • No two ways about it, it's got to be love
  • The Acapulco sun tells you she's the one
  • Find questions but no answers
  • Your dream World is not real
  • Words are lies, ugly sounds and never were true
  • A broken heart can't be the only way
  • In Pleasant Valley on Sundays: charcoal burns everywhere, houses are all the same, no one seems to care and is in a status symbol land
  • A fine man and crazy man can't see
  • We were made for each other as the stars were made for the sky
  • Waiting hopes cast silent spells that speak in clouded clues
  • A reasoned verse, some prose or rhyme lose themselves in other tunes
  • Shaving razors are cold and they sting
  • Don't read between the lines
  • Do not ask for love from Prithee
  • It always hurts the most in the morning
  • Take the last train to Clarksville for coffee flavored kisses and conversation at the station
  • A believer can't leave her
  • Choose to suit your fancy
  • You're so good that nothing else matters
  • Gotta keep on, keep on rollin'
  • Propinquity has just begun to care
  • Roll with the flow
  • You tear the top right off my head
  • Don't cry now
  • A horn did not knock the walls of Jerico down
  • The taste of life is green
  • Everyday holds wonders to be seen
  • Shoemakers have calluses on their hands
  • It's easy to go to Jamaica
  • Kids under 18 in Los Angeles have a curfew
  • Look before you leap
  • Mail can come late- days late
  • Don't forget to take the tape out when you return a rented tape recorder
  • Rent a tape recorder when your dictophone is broken and being repaired
  • Don't say "can't" too many times to your boss
  • Cures for hiccups: scare the person, have them imagine themselves on the sea to Madagascar, have them imagine themselves in a field of flowers in Springtime, jump up & down while counting then realize that Hubbell Benson just walked by
  • Hubbell Benson offers $2 million contracts to the stars of his new show
  • Bob Jones from the New York office always has something urgent
  • Superman gets stuck in a phone booth
  • Peanuts and Lil' Abner are comics
  • Phone in your audition if you can't get into to see a big TV music producer
  • Request "Melancholy Baby"
  • Run away from life
  • There's a smile on the wind as it touches your face and starts to erase all the gloom
  • It isn't easy to leave
  • If it feels like love, makes you weep like love and it tastes like love then it's got to be love
  • She's 99 pounds of some kind of dynomite
  • Words are a waste
  • You keep changing for the better with every passing day
  • Everything you do is new to me
  • Love is great, you just can't top it
  • Got the ball you mustn't drop it
  • You can make your feelings rhyme
  • Don't want no more of your lyin' mouth
  • Can't stand to look at your cheatin' face
  • An angry man sings an angry song
  • I never thought it peculiar that you never gave me a smile, my heart always beats like a drum each time I would see you walk by me and when you stopped to ask me the time
  • Give it more than a try
  • Play penny music for a penny and not a penny less
  • War puzzles your mind
  • Love can make tears in the rain
  • The brightest flame can fade away when you look into the eyes of a friend
  • There's a feeling in your heart that will never end
  • Another road's ahead of you and the night moves on
  • This heart never lies
  • These tears in your eyes say carry on
  • Love is: in a vacuum, in space, without even a little hint of a trace, in confusion that doesn't show on your face, a stranger, a box, the key that fits a million locks, a mystery, in a distance, in a walk, in the limit if only people could talk, for the moment till it swings like a hawk, for tomorrow, for today, for the hour, a puzzle you need and a solution to play
  • Always put your heart and soul where they can shine
  • There's only one girl in the World for you and go the whole wide World just to find her
  • Dreams they do die hard
  • Take the long way home
  • Sometimes its easy to get all wrapped up in trying to be free and all those dreams that sailed away you find were right in front of me
  • Don�t carve words in stone
  • Just take someone into your heart and all will be revealed
  • If you ever change your mind think again so you give me time
  • When the sun shines on love that's when to thank the Lord above
  • Have someone to be with you every step of the way
  • Word gets around
  • Don't bring me down
  • Midnight is when it all comes down
  • How sad it feels to be alone
  • Things are much better since you went away
  • All the things that you said didn't seem to matter early on
  • All the urgency and passion of each new day as it happened and how it all mellowed as it grew
  • The years that roll by can start you listening not just to what they say but what they mean
  • We're both a little older and our relationship has grown not just in how it's shaped but how it's shown
  • Out of sight, out of mind- it doesn't hold true in a storybook of you
  • Somehow every story must come to an end
  • Love never goes the way you planned it
  • You've made your bed and now you have to lie in it
  • Theres no denying its a shame but there's really no one else for you to blame when the sky comes falling down and there is darkness all around
  • If you want to play the game, you must have playmates
  • Play to win
  • Don't be sad if you lose cause it itsn't over
  • Begin the game agian cause it isn't over
  • You don't have to play the game if you don't want to
  • You can sit at home and hear it on the news
  • When it's over it will start again
  • There are three new ways that someone could help the dead
  • There's nothin' so hard about the life that you've lead
  • There's no reason for "goodbyes"
  • You're just running scared and that's something people won't buy
  • Learned how lonely you can be
  • With people comin' and goin', there's no time to understand
  • You can't be all that busy, you don't have that much to do
  • You've got your problems and I have mine
  • Don't tempt fate if it's not reaal
  • It all comes back to you
  • There's no need to shout
  • In the 30's and 40's movie theaters would play ten or fifteen minute serials, movies which were for kids mostly and which usually ended with some dire circumstance the hero was in. Lots of times they were hanging off a cliff just about to fall
  • A "cliffhanger" is a way to to keep people interested so they would come back the next time to see what happened
  • The movie "The Phantom Empire" starred Gene Autry and Betsy King Ross
  • Betsy King Ross was the World's youngest trick rider
  • The movie "The Phantom Empire" takes place in Radio Ranch, is a weird story, is wonderful, has a kids club and is an unlimited world of fancy, whim & music
  • Radio Ranch was spiritual inspiration for the name Videoranch
  • Calling a large quantity of things a "bunch" bothers the English since the word "bunch" has do with flowers
  • Winter brings snow
  • In Winter no flowers grow- they wait for the Spring
  • In the Spring, young men grow til they're old enough to know better
  • Spring has been when leaves have turned green
  • The Autumn trees swing to & fro and their leaves turn brown
  • It's been quite a good year
  • It's a very extraordinary scene to those who don't understand
  • What you have seen you must believe if you can
  • Hamilton smiles down
  • NRG is falling free
  • Circle Sky is telling lies, a raison d'etre and an idol threat
  • It�s never enough no matter what you do
  • Give it all that I've got and it's always too few
  • In the end it's always too late
  • Seize the day
  • There are often times when life is not so kind
  • You smiled and it was magic
  • There was something in the air something that you realized you would always share
  • There was little in our way
  • You and I have promises not broken and magic memories
  • Someday they'll learn our secret way
  • It isn't such a secret
  • It isn't hard to do
  • There's an upside to goodbye
  • Never say never
  • It breaks your heart to say "Goodbye"
  • Time will see you through
  • Unlucky stars are in the sky
  • A lucky ship is lost and comin' in too late
  • Don�t stand another day without a friend
  • You're killing us because you're only "only selling ads"
  • The naked lunch is on your knife
  • The homicides are suicides
  • Realities are crushed beneath the ads your copy sells
  • It costs 40 dollars to see your doctor to tell you are dyin� of a broken heart
  • It really wasn't very smart that you had a drug or two
  • Call an analyst when you are a mess
  • It costs 100 dollars to lie down on the couch and tell your analyst what you dream
  • Dreams really aren't what they seem
  • Come to the big city to give it a whirl and give it a try
  • The grass is always green
  • Coke is purified
  • An example of a regional lie is ending up bakin' burgers for some bitch
  • Life is perfect with nothing more to do
  • Life is paradise in Eden
  • Paradise is eatin' grapes and makin' love with you
  • Eternal happiness means: rest, things don't change, no more fighting, no more disagreeing, nothing's wrong, no strings attached, no reason to get crazy, you're never blue, nothin' from your noisy neighbor, nothin's new, no trial and no labor
  • It's your life so you should be takin' over now
  • No more excuses it's your life
  • Think about it all
  • Make amends
  • Listen to the songs
  • Read all the words and remember the words you hear in a cave with shadows on the wall
  • Learn from the stars or from dreams
  • Believe in the miracles if you can
  • If you had a penny for every time you thought about someone you love, you would be a millionaire
  • The Summer has sun
  • The Winter has snow
  • The Autumn leaves let the spring rains know just how much you need your love
  • A rich man's son would work til the day was done just to prove his love was true
  • Turn this ship around in order to sail into the wind
  • Love is in the future, in your feelings and always in your heart & on your mind
  • Get back up on your feet in order to find your one and only you
  • I'm a little bit right while you're a little bit wrong
  • Wait and see what tomorrow has to offer
  • Wisdom has its way
  • Harmony is constant
  • There's a moon over the Rio Grande
  • There's twlight on the trail
  • Keep your promises
  • Blue is the color of the sun
  • Keep trying if you described yourself very poorly for a newspaper ad
  • Kissing a girl could get you into a fight with her boyfriend
  • This time is my time and my time is all the time I have to be with you
  • Believe you got it made
  • Everybody loves a nut
  • It can not be a part of you cause now it's part of me
  • Each time that that you give your heart to someone new they just turn it blue
  • Clean up your own mess
  • You can't always get whay you want
  • She will be there sometime in the morning
  • You could make it all so easy
  • Don't you do it if you think you got to
  • Don't you do it cause you think you ought to
  • Live for yourself in your own little world
  • You'll find someone who'll play and love you
  • Be just your kind
  • Funny how time is flying
  • Forget that girl cause she only bring you down, make you sad, never make you happy and make you lonely
  • Living a storybook is better than waiting for tomorrow
  • Be wise to little girl's lies
  • Dummies represent the false face of people
  • There are people starving in China
  • The opinions of popular entertainers are not always without their flaws but public response to their mistakes can get out of proportion
  • It's excessive to put someone in jail just for being rude
  • Get a tutor if you fail your history final and have to do a make-up exam
  • The Golden Gate bridge is one of the largest suspended arch bridges in the World and a treasure of modern architecture
  • If you think you're trapped then you are
  • Don't serve pork on the Kona Tiki restaurant voyage
  • You can leave a meeting if your gun says "I go"
  • It takes several coins to dry a TV set in a clothes dryer
  • The sand may be very hot at the beach
  • A video record is a great way for the artist to see and interact with the audience
  • Patrick Henry wrote a speech in Charlottetown which includes the line "united we stand devided we fall"
  • Honey and the Bear are not very good protest singers
  • Set a good example for your baby brother
  • Remember Fred & Ginger and John, Paul, George & Ringo in song
  • People don't like scary shoes or scary movies
  • 5 Second Theater has these films: "Old Yeller", "Little House On The Freeway", "To Kill A Mockingbird" and "No Time For Sergeants"
  • Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey: tadpoles is the winner, family memories can still be a source of strength, some things never leave you, it's hard to break the farmers of old superstitions, kids like to be tricked and it takes a big man to cry & takes a bigger man to laugh
  • Houdini is a pig magician
  • The only woman for some men is his mother
  • Some woman can drink their age in beer- give or take a couple of cases
  • Lots of people work at a hospital
  • The problem are chances- he worked the night while she worked the day shift
  • See the beauty that was always there
  • Sponges can be used in films as a metaphor
  • A maligiant sponge shows the consequences of greed and the relationship between a man & woman
  • If out of ammo use sponges
  • If the boss is coming for dinner and you've got cattle on the furniture, use Cattle Guard
  • Accept no subisitutes
  • Watch out for dancing shoes
  • Some people were teased excessively in school
  • Colors can create a vast exciting mood
  • Combining primary color blue to the primary color yellow creates gray
  • Combine bright yellow and firery red to create off-white
  • Off-white is the color of boots and sports equipment
  • Blue and red make the dramatic dark gray
  • Dark gray and off-white can be combined to make maroon
  • One ton tomato- isn't it?
  • It's hard to come up with children's book ideas
  • America stands for quality
  • The last of the great American cars was the 1955 Buick Roadmaster
  • The 1955 Buick Roadmaster is made completely out of steel, large, clumbsy, eats gas and great for scaring those little Japanese cars to death
  • If you plan on making a land speed record make sure you fill your truck with gas first
  • A land speed record in the desert is 140-150 miles per hour
  • Wear an iron hood and leather apron when taking things out of the microwave
  • If you are bored while stuck in traffic change your car into a low rider
  • Turning car into a low rider gives it several space dimensions
  • The 60's dimension changes everything around the car back to the 60's
  • Wish for the way it was
  • Your means don't have to be visible
  • Ester Williams is the underwater swimmer
  • Ethel Merman is the underwater singer
  • "Boil That Cabbage Down" is an old hit
  • The possibilities on TV are endless
  • Gimmicks to ensure success: have sparkles come out of your mouth, do Donald Duck having a temper tantrum, do Tazmanian kubuki and reuse previous storylines
  • The name of the guy with a 9 foot tongue and high heels whose is grungy and offensive is Kiss
  • The name of the band is Kiss
  • Even if you don't expect an audience the drinks are in the microwave
  • How to make a wedding gown out of whipped cream frosting depends on the flavor
  • A gimmick is a trick to do a story line
  • TV shows never die but go on & on even though they are not being broadcasted
  • Cheer up a kid by reciting the last scene from the movie "The Grapes Of Wrath", sing "Gonna Build A Mountain" and demostrate the throw-up gimmick
  • The last scene in the movie "The Grapes Of Wrath" is one of the great scene in movies
  • You can build a mountain with a little rope
  • Every 5 years or so a good story comes along
  • People like hanging out having a good time and going to the beach
  • Life is like a box of chocolates
  • Life is a bowl of oysters
  • The Most Prestegious Country Club will not let women inside if they are wearing pants
  • The Most Prestegious Country Club turned Ethel Merman away cause she was wearing pants
  • If a woman is denied access in The Most Prestegious Country Club because she is wearing pants just take the pants off
  • Telling someone a story idea concludes with a dramatic thunder and lightening sound
  • There are lots of euphemisms for dumb and throw-up
  • Playing for little kids is fun
  • Safe kissing isn't as bad as bringing a toaster into the bathtub
  • Kissing does have it perils- it can be dangerous and bizarre
  • People have been known to catch fire just by shaking hands
  • The "crazy men live there" ghost story works for everyone
  • You don't need a story just the sake of the story
  • Antartica is where it's at
  • 2 year olds may be the only ones who love the throw-up gimmick
  • Don't ask what is in the throw-up drink
  • For every drop of rain that falls a flower grows
  • You got to play it straight
  • Start rehearsing before another plot line shows up
  • 8 year olds deserve better than Magic Monkee Hurl
  • The purple dinosaur marketing is like the Monkees finger puppets but way out of control
  • Just cause you can doesn't mean you should
  • People ask for the old hits
  • The laugh track is always broken
  • Turn the laugh track off during rehearsals
  • People still want to see a professional show
  • Endings are always hard

    But Back in time and space
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